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White People! Start Fucking More!
The New York Times reported today that the inevitable unthinkable has happened: White people are the minority.
OK, they aren’t the minority. They are just pumping out babies at a lower rate than all other races combined. In it’s totality, “other” is now pumping out more kids than non-Hispanic Whites. Now, I don’t know what a “non-Hispanic White” is, but it sounds like this is a big deal.
The Census Bureau reports that white babies only make up 49.6% of births, making white babies a minority for the first time in American history. This information has been expected, but the date was ambiguous. Finally, after some 200 years of inviting immigrants of non-white heritage in to this country–literally importing them at one point–the melting pot has boiled over, and the contents are browner than they are white.
This shocks me not, but the entire article seems to be written from a perspective that feels just a bit racist, with a pinch of fear. White women are averaging in their forties, “past their peak fertility,” while Latino women are in their premium child-bearing years with a median age of 27.
It also asks whether the elderly are going to be willing to fund education for a young population that “looks less like them.” Wow, so we’re saying that the elderly are racist? Duh. They are a bunch of conservative bigots with oxygen tanks. If we don’t like the idea that the elderly are bigots, then I say we stop inventing shit to keep them around longer.
I say good riddance to the white past. To hell with it. Who cares? This is what you get when you build a country on the backs of other races. When you keep asking people to come here, you can only think that they’re gonna fuck. It is a country that champions the pursuit of happiness, after all.
Who gives a damn for the Anglo-Saxon forefathers and their bullshit outlook on human rights and equality. I hope to hell and back that our forefathers are rolling over in their graves. Most of those bastards are in hell anyway. What, you don’t think raping slaves is a sin? If it takes more minorities to dull the blade of racism, then I welcome the little brown, yellow, and black babies that are getting pumped out at, literally, a record pace.
I won’t miss the white America of the past. It never really was white. Sure, the face on TV were white in the 50’s. Sure, token black characters and shows were a spectacle in the past, but that isn’t the times today. If this information tells me anything, it’s that gay is the new black. Instead of Sanford and Sons and the Jeffersons, we have dyn-o-mite shows like Glee and Smash. It’s gayer than ever. Don’t even get me started on Bravo, but this too will move in to a past issue as more open-mindedness and social liberalism come in to the mainstream.
The people who must be shaking in their boots is the GOP. Man, they are gonna be in some trouble. White people are their white bread and butter. Minorities chose either liberalism or just don’t get involved. Latinos don’t seem to vote at all, even though they make up an ever-growing segment of the population. According to the NYTimes article, some 50,000 Latinos turn 18 every month. Holy shit. Now that’s a strong voting base if you can get ‘em to the polls.
The article goes on to show some high points for white people to be excited about. As I read it, I almost heard, “but not all is lost” in the back of my head. Old people are all really white. Like, 73% white in some areas, but the youth don’t even account for 20% of a particular population segment. Well, at least we have the old folks. God forbid those bastards finally die and let us move forward as a nation.
With all this said, I am thinking about a couple of points the article doesn’t raise. It makes note of Hispanics having larger families at a younger age than white people. That sounds like a sex education problem, not some idea that whites are losing their foothold in this country. I also don’t know why the idea of rationed health care for the elderly isn’t discussed a bit more in the article. We’ve got a financially back-breaking amount of old white fucks that might not want to support education for brown people? Fuck ‘em. That should be part of the SS questionnaire. “What are your thought on minorities?” Depending on what they say, we decide whether we even want these people on the planet. There’s a thin line between Arian Nation and Archie Bunker. I say, Let the Archie Bunkers of the world die, and as far as the article says, it looks like the ranks of the Arian Nation are doomed as it is.
Hey, I’m all for a darker future. Bring on the adorable brown babies. Who gives a shit? If you’re on this planet and you’ve got a problem with white people being out numbered by “other” in America, then move to fucking Canada. Good riddance. I for one love the food of minorities, the music of minorities, and the hospitality. White people are dicks. The fact that this is an article in the NYTimes that required a jump is ridiculous. Let’s all admit it, the NYTimes is written for white people. You find it on more white men’s lawns mowed by Mexicans than the other way ‘round. So, leave it to a white paper to report that white people are outnumbered and then discuss the very serious policy issues this presents for politics, the economy, and education. Fuck you, NYT. This was an article written for white people, and from the tone I felt, it might as well have been titled, “We’re Being Overrun!” I say, bring on the world’s best tamales, jazz, and fried rice. I for one, am looking forward to a browner America.
Look at This F-ing Guy #55
Who tries a little too hard
There is nothing more embarrassing than seeing someone who is trying way too hard to fit in, act cool, or impress people. I cringe at name-dropping, try to understand the graffiti clothes that look like you got tagged by Westside, and can never come to terms with people with a pimp limp.
I embrace the way I talk, the Target style I rock in plain T’s, and I am fully aware that there is an area of modern culture I can’t ever express myself with. It has been made clear to me that I dress like I’m not from here, I sound weird (and speak using weird words), and I am not anywhere in the vicinity of cool. There are those out there that don’t get this. Wiggers are one of them. I have never gotten the wigger culture. I know how white I am, and look much closer to Arian nation than rhythm nation. On more than one occasion I have been set straight when I stray from my appropriate vernacular.
I wear jeans that fit, speak like the cliched white guy; you know, the impression black people do of us, that’s me. I’m okay with this, and life is much easier when you just embrace the fact that I will never be described as “hip” or “cool.” What follows are the words I know that I can’t say. I just can’t pull off dropping words and phrases like this. This list is always growing as well, so I am constantly being reprimanded for straying from my white path.
Dope
Just can’t pull off dope. I can’t even use dope when actually describing drugs, let alone whether something is good in some manner.
Fresh
Unless I am discussing the quality of produce, this one is off limits.
Kicks
In reference to shoes, this is a term that comes out awkwardly. “Fresh kicks” has been known to stop a conversation on a dime and has garnered me awkward glances and ridicule.
Hustlin’
see also: Grindin’, shufflin’, mackin’, slingin’, pimpin’, etc.
Trippin’
‘enough said.
Stunna
Well, actually I can’t say anything where a soft a replaces any syllable in a word. Stunner…stunna…yeah, it just doesn’t work.
see also: Playa’
‘Sup
I can’t get away with slurring my words like this. It is clear to me that enunciation is pivotal for me to converse with people.
junk in the trunk
Unless I am discussing the merits of throwing out the old nick-nacks in the chest in the attic, it’s a no-no.
see also: Badunkadunk, booty, wagon yo draggin’, jelly
phat
I mean, c’mon. Duh, I am way too uptight and white to come anywhere near this one without setting off ghetto-pass alarms.
ghetto-pass
Yep, just wrote that down and cringed. See, the list just gets longer everyday.
This is just some of the terms are off limits to me. I’m not saying white boys and thugs can’t drop these. A lot of guys just are what they are. I have seen some boys out there that somehow pull off urban without seeming like they are trying. I am listening to Haystak Mack Million as I write this, and this is a big ol’ white boy that makes it work for him, but then again he’s a hip-hop star, and he can do whatever he wants. Dude was in Hustle and Flow for God’s sake, that is as good as getting your ghetto-pass punched…ugh, that was awkward. Sorry, won’t happen again.
Skid Row doesn’t need the bulletproof glass; the President does, so get over it!
During the trip by the President through the midwest on a domestic bus tour, there was a little rumbling I heard over the air waves. Well, to be frank it was the rumbling not unlike the bus retrofitted with enough bulletproof glass to repel an RPG attack and enough electronics to commandeer NORAD on-the-fly from a rural road in Illinois. Yes, as the President was on the road for three days touring the midwest shaking hands and buying pies, the GOP and conservative pundits were questioning whether the people should be paying for such a lavish campaign tour. Being that this isn’t a 2012 campaign tour is one thing, but the outrage over the relatively menial cost of the three day trip is what stuck in my craw. They complained on the air on FOX News and other radio stations and channels that the $1.1 million dollar tour bus was too black and too much money. Really? It wasn’t a Black Panther rally and it wasn’t that lavish. You are scoffing at the price of protecting the President? You are balking at what it costs the people to pay, maintain, and protect a President? Well, then read on, as you will be boiling in anger at the numbers that are going to pile up in this article: What does the President really cost us?
My first qualm was with the idea that people had issue with the cost of a tour bus safe enough to protect the President. Do you think they just make those? That is one-off; think Jesse James motorcycle, but with less infidelity. It is a PRESIDENTIAL bus. This isn’t taking your kids to school or dropping Grandma off at the pharmacy. The President of the United States of America needs to be safe from ambush and attack. Do you have any idea what rocket-proof glass costs by the square foot!? All Presidential vehicles are fitted with the thickest, safest glass and sheets of plate steel that can repel everything from small arms fire to RPG’s. A tour bus, straight off the showroom floor, is gonna cost Skid Row at least $500,000, and that doesn’t even include installing the stripper pole. Fuck the pole, the President, realistically, needs the capability to launch nuclear weapons on moments notice from that fucking bus; I hope that button’s not next to the microwave or there is a White House intern that could nuke Moscow for the same trouble he puts into heating a Hot Pocket.
So is $1.1 million of my tax dollars outlandish for a tour bus? Hell no. The President rides around in a fucking bulletproof limo (not a town car, a limo), but I’m supposed to drop a double-take because he upgraded to Billboard Top 40 status? Not a chance. According to some estimates, the cost of operating Air Force One, the Presidential air fortress 747, runs up to almost $300 million dollars a year, flight or no flight. Just to let an airplane sit primed in a hanger 24/7, is costing Americans 13,422 times as much as the federal guideline for a family of four at or below the poverty line of just over $22,000. That’s just the one plane. Not to mention the limo or marine one (helicopter).
Want some more numbers for what the President is entitled to by Congressional decree? Camp David is well-maintained at the cost of $7.9 million dollars per annum. The current President is also entitled to a salary of $400,000 a year. The White House also costs approximately $35,000 a DAY to maintain and run; just the actual building, that is. All told, if you include everything from the Vice Presidential Downtown office, the cleaning crew, the helicopter, Air Force One, employee costs, phone lines, tours daily, and even fucking stamps, the White House and those directly connected to the fucking building in some manner cost us, per year, about $1.5 billion dollars. That is to keep the roof up, the calls answered, and the coffee hot as all get out 24/7, 365. $1.5 billion, and you guys are clamoring to come up with the best joke about the big black bus taking everyone to school in Socialist America? C’mon, I know you guys can do better than that.
Then I got curious. I know that Presidents like George W and Obama make $400,00 base salary, but what else do they get? Well, first off they get $50,000 expense accounts, so I am betting the girls have iPads. They also get a $100,000 tax-free travel expense account. Oddly enough, the President also gets a $19,000 “entertainment” expense account. Entertainment? Almost 20 grand!? What kind of entertainment does that include? Ice cream sundaes for the girls, pedicures for Michelle, and movie nights where George Lucas comes to the White House and does live director’s commentary on a Star Wars flick in the White House Theater like a monkey? You can throw bananas at him, he’s getting paid for this. For that kind of money I know Kennedy had some fun, but what the hell would you do with a near $20,000 dollar entertainment fund? It’s not like it is his personal money he’s spending and is taking a coupon for a free game tokens at Dave & Busters. No, this is a fund of tax payer money set aside simply for entertainment. It is there specifically to make him giggle. I don’t know about you, but at $400,000 dollars a year and hundreds of hours of live, tax-payer funded war footage to watch, he can spend his own Goddamned money to get his jollies off. SHit, the White House HAS a bowling alley, too!
So we’ve got the President, but when the next one comes in, at least we don’t have to think about the cost of the former simply breathing…or do we? Yes, there is the Presidential pensions to contend with. There are four living, former Presidents and each of them gets an annual salary of just shy of $200,000 dollars a year. $200,000 smackaroons goes a long way, even in our tough economic times, and so I got curious, once again. Of the living former Presidents the count goes like this: Jimmy Carter, 6.8 million. George H. Bush, 4.4 million. Bill Clinton, 3.6 million. George W. Bush, 3.6 million. This is what they cost the American tax payer in and out of office in their lives. That is just salary. Of those Presidents; Carter, George H., and Clinton, all have claim to lifetime Secret Service protection. What does this cost us on top of their salary? Given a minimum three-man team earning about $75,000 dollars a year it breaks down as 4.5 million, 4.05 million, and 2.25 million, respectively, to DATE. If they stay alive longer, than it is gonna keep costing you more. After Clinton, all former Presidents are allotted a maximum ten year secret service detail…thank God for government rollbacks.
So what are we saying here? Am I saying that Presidents cost us more per annum than the poverty level income of tens of thousands of Americans? Yes. I am also saying that the cost of protecting the President on a nuclear capable tour bus is little more than a blip of the radar of what they cost us in and out of office in the long run. The White House is a billion dollar house that the founding fathers built, taking office of President is on par with a Megabucks “win for life” scratch-it, and that the expense of protecting the President is a mere pittance of what it costs to employ the 112th Douchebag Congress, all 535 members earning average of $174,000 of YOUR tax paying dollars. Don’t even get me started on that league of assholes. At the cost of over $93 million dollars per annum, these uncompromising assholes have not a leg to stand on to complain about anything but the temperature of their caviar. Do we have a claim to be upset while some go hungry? Indeed, but to criticize the expenditure of a Presidential tour bus codenamed “behemoth” in order to protect the sitting President, I am sure the pundits can find a larger number somewhere other than $1.1 million to gripe about. I found 11 in this article alone.
Warped Tour: “Punk Rock” or “Punk-life?”
I suppose there is a lot that can, and has, been said about the Warped Tour in it’s 17 years. I’ve been one of it’s detractors in the past. This is my third consecutive year covering the Warped Tour and I don’t shy away from admitting that I have been one of those strong voices questioning it’s current validity as a “punk rock” tour. I was so vocal and adamant last year that my editor had to post up my editorial with a big, red disclaimer, fearing the burning of bridges from the venom with which I spoke. This year I have decided to do this for her and post this editorial on my own site, effectively putting myself at arms length so I can express to you my views without getting anyone in trouble but myself. With that said:
THE VIEWS EXPRESSED HERE ARE ONLY THE RAVINGS OF THE AUTHOR AND DO NOT REFLECT THE OPINIONS OR IDEAS OF ANYONE BUT HIS DAMNED SELF. I TAKE FULL CREDIT FOR THIS IF YOU LIKE IT, AND IF YOU DO NOT, THEN I CONTEND THAT MY SITE WAS HACKED WITH THE EXPRESS PURPOSE OF UNDERMINING MY AUTHORITY ON THE FOLLOWING SUBJECT.
The Warped Tour has had a long a winding road to where it is today. Major corporate sponsorship and the influx of even political entities, including Libertarians last year, has soured the truly punk roots from whence it came. This year I decided to take a very different approach in covering the event and did the interviews that probably brought you here. I wanted to examine the existence of hip-hop and rap on the tour and possibly discover why this seemingly antithetic form of expression and art has been allowed to operate through all these years.
On message boards on the Warped Tour site you can find strong opposition to it’s place on the tour. Listeners and concert-goers seem almost unified in their distaste for such “shit” to be taking set time on any of the seven stages that should rightfully go to truly punk rock acts. I, for one, feel that the punk rock moniker attached to the Warped Tour is no longer defined as a genre, but as an ideal that permeates every act no matter if it is the electro-pop, screamo, or even hip-hop. Punk rock is an idea, a way of life, and when thinking in these terms, hip-hop belongs on the Warped Tour as much as August Burns Red.
The Dangerous Summer
Warped Tour is a machine designed and run by large corporations who are in it to make money. I highly doubt that the people who choose the line-up are fans of all the artists on it. Do you think that booking 3OH!3 or Gym Class Heroes is anything but savvy marketing to sell tickets? Deep in the list, between acts that sell the majority of the tickets, are gems of self-expression that will blow your mind if you give them a chance. There are those acts that do it because they love it. I am not discounting the desire and love of the music of the headlining acts, far from it, but I am saying that you will find bands grinding it out on fan at a time. You will discover artists that have nothing but love for their fan base and think in terms of albums and crafting music “from silence to a full song,” as Budo would say.
Hip-hop, in this fashion, has always been a part of the Warped Tour. A lot of people like boxes. You need to compartmentalize all the options in the world or else you’ll go crazy. Music is no different. If you really just let it all go without comparisons and genres then your mind would not be able to cope with the unending amount of choices one has. There are more songs out there than any human being can listen to in their lifetime if they had music running 24/7 from birth to death. So people look at genres and decide that things are different, belong or don’t belong, and want to trivialize art like music in to boiled down generalizations that truly hurt the expression that can be found with any one act.
Grieves
There is indie vs. mainstream, underground vs. overground, black rappers vs. white rappers, East vs. West vs. South vs. Midwest, and on and on. People, and the industry, like to break these acts up in to whatever categories seem appropriate for comparison. This hurts the music. Grieves said it best when he told me: “Would you like that song if it wasn’t on MTV? It’s like, if you like that music, why can’t somebody else like it, too? And why is it a bad thing that MTV is playing the music that you like? You hate MTV for playing the shit that you hate, but you would like them if they played the music you like, but when they play the music that you like, you hate that guy now.” It seems that there is an ever-present war between categories where no one can win, almost always the artist, and people are feeding in to that.
MC Lars
If you are one of these people who enforces the lines that divide then I guess this one is for you. You are a hardcore metal fan and think rap is shit and all rappers are the same then take this under advisement: MC Lars wants to have a kids hip-hop TV show like Yo Gabba Gabba to share the power and positivity that can come from hip-hop. A little shocked? Yeah, I was, too. You don’t think that is indie, it’s not hip-hop? Well, what the fuck is indie? You might think it is a sound and an idea of “fuck the machine” and “I don’t give a shit.” Well, indie is simply a business model. There is no sound, contrary to popular belief. Indie is a way of doing business outside of the major labels and doing your thing on your own. It is unadulterated self-expression without anyone tugging on your marionette strings. Producing and hosting a children’s rap TV show might be as indie and outside the box as you can get, and that is punk, too.
Weerd Science
Budo
I asked Grieves and Budo about whether or not they felt comfortable on the tour. Grieves boiled it down like this: “We’re all artists out here and we’re all trying to make a living, and we’re trying to expose our art to people. I don’t feel any different from the guys in Winds of Plague who I got to meet on this tour. They are some of the heaviest, hardcore, most metal-ass dudes, and they are the shit. They are are cool-ass dudes.” These are all artists out here. Yes, it might come in different forms and different sounds, but at the end of the day it is all about exposing people to the art each of these groups make. MC Lars feels a bit more out of place, but he told me, “Punk rock is about being yourself, and that makes us [rappers] some of the most punk acts on here because we are doing what we want and following our hearts. Yeah, I feel out of place, and I feel like when I am in line at the catering line in the morning I don’t have any tattoos, and here that is rare, but it is cool because we are all doing what we love and we’re having fun and getting good reactions.” I’m a writer and this inspires me to do it independently after hearing words like this. It is art and everyone here is on a hustle, so what is so different about one act to another when you boil it all down to simple self-expression?
- The Acacia Strain
MC Lars is completely independent with his own label, Horris Records. Grieves only recently joined Rhymesayers Entertainment, and I would call Rhymesayers a major-independent label. MC Lars just released a free mix tape that you can download at mclars.bandcamp.com. Lars has no problem if you steal his music, he gives it away, but he just asks that you share it. This has somehow been good for his business and he is growing. Free music, “steal my music?” Wow, talk about working outside the box. Grieves is not one to pull punches about his sound, his passion, and how fed up with bullshit that he is. Sure, they are lyricists and they rap, but music is music and you can’t question their diehard love they have for what they do any more than you can question the heart of The Acacia Strain or The Dangerous Summer.
So what is the Warped Tour? It is obviously not just punk rock music, but it never was just that. Katy Perry and Eminem have done the tour and I don’t see any of them repping the punk rock music flag. 
Warped Tour is now, and probably always has been, a collaboration of the mainstream and the independent side of things, and independent hip-hop must be represented if not just from an idealistic standpoint. It is an amalgam of musical genres and acts, adhering to a myriad of business models, out to express themselves and reach the widest audience possible; the story as old as time. This is a corporate machine using non-corporate components for profit, but this isn’t exploitation as much as it is a symbiotic Faustian deal. They always have said that you can do more damage inside the machine than outside, and this is a parade of acts doing just that to be able to continue to say “fuck you,” but with a larger fan base. I would liken this to two wholly different industries consensually sodomizing one another. Each is getting their rocks off to their own benefit, but they aren’t looking each other in the face while they do it. If you want to fight the machine, it can help to be one of the cogs for a bit, but as long as you avoid the molds on the assembly line, then the punk ideals will always live on no matter how many Kia stickers you slap on it for a summer.
Toe-tapping to TwitPics: I’ll Take Immoral Over Criminal Any Day of the Week
I am betting you people were wondering where the Poppyc**k staff was while this Anthony Weiner Twitter scandal was unfolding. We were seemingly missing in action while a story with more punchlines than a Bill Hicks stand-up special was splashed in headline, bold-type on every newspaper and magazine in the country. Well, we just didn’t think we could make any jokes you hadn’t already heard. Honestly, this story is a comedian’s wet dream, so we left it to the comedy professionals…and FOX News. Now, in the glowing aftermath of the “junk drawers” photo, along with all the other photos, we have but two things to comment on in the proceeding article. One: Is anyone else expecting to see Anthony Weiner on the cover of Men’s Health this summer? Shit, this guy’s built like a Navy Seal and John Holmes had a love-child. Two (and most importantly): What the fuck did he do wrong to have to resign? I mean, what did he REALLY do?
Yes, it is going to be one of those articles. This will be a piece brimming with advocacy for the devil and perspective granting examples that are designed to show you that there is a very fine line between illegal and immoral, and whether we have the right to hold a government official to a higher ethical standard based on some archaic social construct of the majority’s expectations. Who are we to expect puritanical moral fortitude in our elected officials? We have this deranged expectation, or maybe a belief in the acutely designed facade, that we are electing some kind of moral pillar above the fallibility of the “common man.” It’s time we got off our soapbox and took off the beer goggles. These are not deities or divinely designed eunuchs cut from a cloth of moral superiority. These are people, and most of the scandals, including Weiner, have nothing to do with legal ramifications. These were just skeezy dudes, and I for one don’t mind.
I don’t mind a pervy government official. I want a human being as my representative. Someone with a foot fetish and something terrifyingly kinky under lock and key next to the gun lock box on the top-shelf of his bedroom closet. Give me a guy with a skeleton or two shoved in a crawl space at his summer home in Palm Beach over a squeaky clean tight-wad any day. I want an average Joe to keep my best interests at heart. A man who knows the legal quagmire of keeping a gimp in a box, or knows the stress of having to constantly be erasing your browsing history because your girlfriend would be horrified at what gets you off. A guy that knows the importance of establishing a safety word before letting his wife shove a ball-gag in his mouth. A guy from Anytown, USA. You know, like the rest of us.
Beyond the Weiner scandal, dubbed the Twitter scandal, there are more “sicko” incidents than I can count. How about the “toe-tapping” scandal in the Minneapolis-St. Paul Airport perpetrated by Larry Craig? Plead guilty to one count of disorderly conduct and paid a fine, but not before stepping down. Maybe you remember the “shirtless Senator,” Chris Lee (pictured left). Sent a woman a picture of himself, shirtless, after responding to a personal ad on Craigslist. How about the audacity of Mark Samford, who disappeared over Father’s Day weekend to meet his mistress in Argentina, under the guise that he was hiking the Appalachian Trail. He didn’t step down, but then again his term limit was up and it was really a non-issue to impeach him since he was almost out anyway. Then there is Louisiana Senator David Vitter (pictured below), who admits to frequenting prostitutes through the high-class service, “DC Madam.” He too has yet to step down, as of writing this article.
What was so wrong about these things? Larry Craig broke the law, sort of. Disorderly conduct for trying to get some gay sex in an airport? Skeezy? Yes. Illegal? Barely. Vitter used prostitutes, but it’s hardly a criminal offense; more the crime of a lonely man. The rest did nothing more than go outside the sanctity of their marriage. Extra-marital affairs are not illegal. Technically, yes, there are still laws on the books, but the Supreme Court overruled them in a case many years ago, so it’s not technically illegal. Are these incidents a sign of a moral vacuum in these men? I don’t think you can jump right from “stupid” to “criminal” in one connection. At best it would be more of a “six degrees of Kevin Bacon” sort of situation. If there is a moral flexibility in these men, I don’t think it caused by any kink they may have. These are mutually exclusive issues and any moral flexibility they have was brought to light by one fact: they’re fucking career politicians. You gotta check to make sure you’ve still got all of your fingers after you shake their hand.
Why do we as a country get so up in arms over these incidents? Why must we call to hang ‘em high and to end their careers? I am sure the unemployment rate would sky rocket to sixty-percent in this country if everyone who ever sent a topless photo of themselves was fired from their current job because of some social contract stating that digital buggery is criminal. You’d have a hell of a time finding a trainer at your local gym.
Scandals like this are nothing more than an assault on an archaic idea that our representatives are not just stewards of the law and justice pertaining to the betterment of society, but that they are stewards of a puritanical moral fabric we possess as a nation. I don’t get how a senator, mayor, governor, or any other elected official, is expected to live by a higher moral code than the rest of us. Frankly, I don’t trust anyone that thinks that they do occupy the higher road in a moral sense. I don’t trust someone to be fair and honest if they snub their nose at the rest of the world because they are not “perverted” like these men. Can you trust someone who think you are less than them? Could you really hope to elect your representative if they look down on you as some townsperson of Sodom and Gammorah?
We need to just get over ourselves. We live in a world where a moral line is not in stone or in sand, but is perpetually nomadic . Given enough pressure we can justify almost any action as a nation, but in moments like this we take this stand that what Weiner did was wrong. Based on what? He never banged any of the girls he “sexted” or sent pictures to. He didn’t break any laws, embezzle money, trade votes, or take bribes (remember Rod Blegojavich?). By all other accounts he was a decent official. OK, I’ll give you the point that it wasn’t what a married man should do. But if you’re gonna throw sanctity of marriage around, then I am gonna hold you to the complete idea of the statement and require you to call for the resignation of anyone who has had an affair or has been divorced before, or during, any seat of official capacity. Looks like the Republicans will get their wish since government would get a hell of a lot smaller in less than the lunch hour. You’ll have five Senators and we’d be calling in the Janitor to break up a filibuster by Friday.
I am betting you didn’t like that, if you’re one to wave the morality flag high and proud. The government would cease to be if we didn’t allow some leniency in the case of truly moral questions. Since we can’t seem to agree on where the line is on scandals requiring censure and impeachment, I say we make ‘em all sign morality contracts. Yes, if you want your cake and to eat it to, then we need to make every government official elected or otherwise, sign a contract outlining moral and legal behavior that will and will not be tolerated as well as all of the fines and punishments that will go along with each infraction. This way there is a clear and defined manner of conduct that we require of our elected officials. The NFL makes it’s players sign a similar contract and there are fines and suspensions that are levied all the time because of it. Why shouldn’t the government be held to at least the same standards as a professional athlete?
Could you imagine the fall out from this act? For good or bad, we would have our officials dancing to the beat of one painfully boring drum. Divorces, affairs, failure to file or pay taxes, DUI charges, spousal abuse, drunk and disorderly, inappropriate fraternization through texting or emails, lewd photographs, pseudo-racist comments, and we could even test for steroids (I’m looking at you, Weiner). I would go as far as to include taking the Lord’s name in vain in that contract. Let’s design a government so pure and strong of character that we will never see another scandal again. We could start electing an almost superior race of people…wait a minute, that sounds familiar…
Well, if we’re going this far, I am betting that some of you good Christian folk might want to put a clause in the contract the you can’t run for office if you’re gay, since that is immoral and a sin to some of you. Of course we would also include a provision prohibiting sexual intercourse in any position besides “missionary.” Then again, if we’re taking the inch I say we go the whole mile and not elect women, since there are many men that think a woman should be in the kitchen and not on the Senate floor. Then there is the percentage of the population that would want to exclude anyone of non-white heritage to be elected to office. Of course, if we really want to please even smaller groups we might want to make sure those white people have only blue eyes and blonde hair and…wait a minute, now we’re back to that hauntingly familiar tune again…
Guess what folks, fuck you and the high horse you rode in on. You think you can wag a finger at a guy who taps his toe or sends “dirty” photos to a girl? You think you can hold them to some higher level or morality because they are elected to represent the people? Well, I hate to break it to you, but porn doesn’t watch itself, and strip clubs don’t operate as a not-for-profit. Las Vegas is called “sin city,” and prostitution is legal in Nevada. You can get a license to buy and smoke marijuana legally. Gays are in your military, sitting on the hill in DC, and are the stars of your favorite TV shows. This is no puritanical world and I don’t know where you get this sense of superiority, but it has never existed in the way you think it has.
Case in point. The coup de gras illustrating the American’s people apparent tolerance for scandal is provided by just one man: Marion Barry. A former President of the School Board, he was a four-term Mayor. in 1990, during his third-term, he was caught on videotape in a hotel room doing crack cocaine. He was eventually found guilty of only one misdemeanor count of possession and served six-months in federal prison. After being released he immediately ran for city council of the 8th Ward on the slogan, and I am not kidding, “he may not be perfect, but he’s perfect for D.C.” He won. He was then reelected as Mayor of D.C. in 1994. The man had many more troubles including tax issues, an alleged DUI (which he was found not guilty), and driving with a suspended license. This man was a four-term mayor of the capital of the United States of America for fuck sake, but Weiner needs to step down for a cock shot?
So where is the line, folks? Please, I want to know where you draw it in the sand? These are not career ending flubs, just bloopers from “america’s stupidest elected officials,” airing this fall on FOX. If Weiner is guilty of anything it might be animal cruelty, seeing as how he was clearly trying to smother a ferret to death in his jockeys. This is a job for PETA, if nothing else (had to get one in). If the likes of Weiner and Vitter, and the countless others, had signed a contract of moral conduct, then I can see getting up in arms on some level, but no such document exists. We can get one made I bet, if we really wanted it. I would have one stipulation before making them sign it when they take an oath of office: every American needs to sign it first. If we want our officials to be held to some unwavering level of excellence, then we need articulate and follow the standardized moral code we can all agree on. Seems impossible, but it would be a true quid pro quo, like a national abstinence pledge (those work so well already, which is why everyone in public school is a virgin)…and a hush falls over the peanut gallery. If you’re truly on board with that maniacal idea, then please feel free to email your local congressman. I would just avoid using the Twitter though, because some people seem to be doing “gross” things on there.
