Like this:
Be the first to like this post.
Blog Archives
Shit Crazy White Girls Say
Five Things you Never Want to Hear From Your New Girlfriend While Watching TV
Watching CSI: “What an idiot! That’s not how you hide a body.”
Watching Girl, Interrupted: “It is nothing like that.”
Watching Spun: “That’s not how you make meth.”
Watching America’s Most Wanted: “Oh, my God! Michael!? I dated that guy. Hilarious.”
Watching Fox News: “Well, that’s just common sense.”
Look at This F-ing Guy #53
That has bumper stickers on his car
Your car is a statement about you. You might be rich, poor, safe, or a speedster. Maybe you drive a station wagon, a van, or a sports car. Whatever the case may be, you might have an inkling to add a little bit of attitude to the bumper of your car with an aptly placed sticker for the driver behind you to enjoy. I would suggest you refrain from this type of personal statement as it can be downright offensive, inappropriate, or at the very least a hilarious statement about exactly what kind of asshole you might be.
There are all kinds of bumper stickers out there, we’ve seen the good, the bad, and the ugly, but I just think you might not want to do it. Do you really need to assault the driver behind you with you cliched sense of humor as he re-reads “keep honking, I’m reloading” for 45 minutes in bumper-to-bumper traffic? Maybe you’re a proud parent of an Honor Student, but does anyone really care but you? Nope, and advertising that you have prepubescent children might not be the wisest thing you can do; pedos have licenses, too.
I know that you might see the pristine bumper of your Prius as a chance to enlighten those around you to your forward thinking liberal views with a “coexist” sticker. Yes, nothing says main-stream hippie tendencies like the most recent and modern incarnation of the peace sign. Never mind the fact that we all do currently exist simultaneously, making your sticker a bit of a moot point to make, but then we can all sense your smug self-righteousness every time we read it for 15 miles blasting down the freeway.
As far as social issues go, the most hilarious bumper sticker I can imagine is the presidential campaign stickers. Yes, let’s force your political position down the throats of everyone unlucky enough to get stuck behind you at a light. What’s worse is the stickers still affixed to cars after the battle has been fought and lost. Ever seen a Buchanan of Dukakis campaign sticker on an old Volvo station wagon? Priceless.
Ever present “follow me to Hooters” and other similar stickers present the more innocuous side to stickers, not to mention Grateful Dead bears, In N Out stickers, and just about any other restaurant or establishment. Maybe you really like Pantera or Pearl Jam, but dammit if you’re going to miss an opportunity to show off your fandom by passing on a perfectly good bumper sticker.
I have also never understood the rainbow flag sticker. Look, you can be gay and proud, and have it affixed just above the “No on 8” sticker, but with all the hate crimes in this country, do you really need to be testing fate in traffic where people have been shot and cars have been keyed for less? I’m just saying.
Then there is the infamous few vehicles that have more stickers than you can count to the point that the paint job, and often time the driver’s view, has been obscured with every imaginable sticker dating back ten years. A varitable collection of “where’s the beef,” “Big toys for big boys,” “Honk if you love tits,” and everything else under the sun. This is the holy grail of bumper sticker sightings and is often accompanied by a dented bumper either from a distracted driver rear-ending them or from backing in to one too many shopping carts and garbage cans due to minimal visibility. But hey, at least they’re getting their point across, right?
I’m all for stickers, if you choose wisely and carefully. It’s like a tattoo, make sure it’s something you’re gonna want to show off years down the road. Also, if you’re taking a road trip any time soon, I suggest scraping off the “steers and queers” sticker before you blast through Austin. They might not take to kindly to your kind ‘round there.
Look at This F-ing Guy #50
Who posts matching profile photos with his girlfriend on Facebook
There are dozens of Facebook faux pas’ I can do LTFG’s about. Seriously, I’ve already done three or even four of these, and I might just dedicate one of these articles to all the Facebook missteps I see day in and day out. I could even write a small book on the subject of digital mishaps I see in Facebook and Twitter. Alas, a combination of sloth and a homegrown fear of sounding like too much of a curmudgeon has kept me from railing too hard against social networking. After all, you’re probably reading this after clicking on a link on my fan page ON Facebook. Don’t wanna draw blood with a nip at the hand the feeds, ya know?
She's gonna yell at me for this post...still worth it.
That said, there is a ridiculous trend I see on Facebook, and was recently almost a victim of. I see people in relationships using matching photos as profile thumbnails. I was nearly tricked in to this by my girlfriend and I would be horrified if this ever happened to me. Look, I know you’ve got a girl you like guys. I get that there is social pressure to let this be known publicly. I know that your probable first instinct is just to be her boyfriend and think that is enough. It is, right? Nope, this needs to be made public across every platform, digital or otherwise. She might wish you’d rent a sky-writer to put your initials inside a big heart on a clear day next summer.
If you’re like me, and you probably aren’t, then your relationship status isn’t even part of your public profile. Hell, my birthday isn’t even public information on Facebook (yet my phone number is, go figure). I don’t want either one of these things celebrated in any way. It’s not a dig on my girlfriend or a shame in either my age or relationship status, but dammit, not everything needs to be openly aired in a pseudo-public forum.
The same people I see are the ones that also change their relationship status with every fight, scuffle, or disagreement. “Single” to “it’s complicated” to “in a relationship” to “single” to “in a relationship” and back to “it’s complicated”…do I need to know this play-by-play action in your relationship? Whether I do or not, I just don’t care. I also don’t think that during the smooth patches between the storms, you need to have matching profile shots. This is just kinda sad to see matching photos among my friends, not to mention confusing for me trying to figure out which one of you that picture is. C’mon, man. I get the idea of “married to.” As a husband and wife I get the shift to a relationship status of this nature. That is, if you MUST have a public relationship status at all. (Author’s Note: People in a monogamous marriage are exempt from this rant because that is your marriage, and I can’t bring myself to shit on an institution that I have no idea how to make it work; I’ve never been married and if matching profile pics and openly airing your cute and/or rough patches is how you make it work, all the more power to ya. Go with God.)
I don't need to see this in my news feed, thank you.
As for the rest of you, matching profile photos is like the digital version of matching jogging suits. It’s like watching a couple walk down the street with a hand in each other’s back pocket. This is like watching two people give Eskimo kisses or argue over who should hang up the phone first. It’s just sickening to see this on a social network as much as it is annoying to read your fucking status updates about how epic the cheese sandwich you made tastes (or looks like thanks to the photos you took of the food you’re eating! C’mon, man.) while watching “SYTYCD.” If you ladies want to post up the Sepia self-portrait of you and your man, then fine, I expect nothing less. But if you men out there want to keep a shred of dignity, you should avoid this photo as your profile shot.
I have been a victim of the smitten feelings to post up the sepia shot, and I will have to live with that shame, but I will NEVER have a profile photo that my significant other simultaneously has as her photo. This is just dumb, lame, and a sign that pressures in the real world are bleeding in to the digital realm, and this should be battled one trend at a time. Keep your own profile photo, guys, because if things keep going well for you, it will be the only thing you have left that is yours; she’s gonna make you sell that stained futon and you’re gonna have to donate your collection street signs and construction cones. Hold on to what you can, gentlemen, and just buy her flowers if she throws a fit when you switch your profile photo to that photo of you drunkenly playing Guitar Hero with your buddies.
Look at This F-ing Guy #49
Who wears “Skinny Jeans”
There are a lot of no-no’s as a man, as we have seen over the course of the life cycle of the LTFG. Men have a narrow vein to operate and deviation deserves (no, calls for) ridicule from the peanut gallery. No trend bothers me more than the “skinny jean” fad that men seem to be trying to steal from women with dire and embarrassing consequences.
Women have been rocking skinny jeans for decades to the delight of men everywhere. From hip-huggers to bell-bottoms and from low-ride to high-waters, women of every style through the years has been able to show off the trunks full of junk or have inspired songs of flat bottom or apple bottoms. I think of the scene from Dazed and Confused where the girl battles physics of space and the tensile strength of the zipper on her jeans just to get them on.
Men love to see what God gave the ladies, and with good reason. They have goods worth painting in to denim, leather, spandex, or polyester. There is a reason women are associated with hour glasses and the greatest songs are sung about their bits and pieces. They have something worth talking about.
Men, however, don’t have junk worth checking out, legs worth gawking at, and have nothing that ZZ Top would write a memo about, let alone a song. There are two songs written about men, “you’re so sweet” or “you’re such a dickhead,” and as you can tell, neither of these is about your ass or chicken legs in those fucking jeans.
no muffin tops, boys.
You look foolish. No, you look like you snagged the wrong pair of jeans off the floor on the way out the door before she woke up, but you were too ashamed to go back and get your own pants back, so now you just “meant” to look like this. Those were never meant for us. Narrow hips, rickety-looking legs with knobby knees leading down to oversized feet, all disturbingly topped by a pot-belly on more than one occasion. C’mon man, the muffin-top isn’t even cute on a girl, you think you should leave the house looking like someone shoved the Michelin Man into some hip-huggers on what one can only surmise was a dare gone horribly wrong. You do know that just because they are called “skinny jeans” doesn’t mean they make you look skinny, right?
pull up your "skinny" pants, man.
The more disturbing development is the saggy-skinny jeans. Now, most likely this is the side effect of wearing pants that were designed with women with ass in mind, and the ass end of a man does not qualify or fit the bill as well. With the design inherently in need of hip and ass to keep them from coming down, these pants have nothing to keep them from dropping down not unlike the trend that was “hot” in my time.
I would like to think this is simply a trend of consequence, but somehow I think this skinny-sag look is on purpose! How could it not be? Everything else about the pigeon-toed hip-less is so deliberate. Neon sunglasses, studded belts cinched to hell, ironic velcro wallets, half-done sleeve work, the ragged vintage T, and of course the bed hair tucked under the flat-billed cap trying to look like they’re not trying. Oh, they are fucking trying.
Men, we just need to let this one go. We need to let all the ridiculous pants fads go. Just put on a pair of jeans that fit and a belt to keep them where they belong, on your fucking hips. I don’t wanna see your boxer, I don’t wanna have to wonder how those fragile-looking legs are able to keep you upright. I don’t want to look at you and see an unfortunate series of trends and fads piled 6 feet high and shoved in to a pair of Ed Hardy’s.
