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Bachmann Wins in Ames and Yet Still Draws the Short Straw
or: Ron Paul sees his shadow, six more weeks of political futility
What is that rustling in the distance? Wait, no, it’s not a rustle. It sounds more like a bubbling. Yes, I can hear it now. A riling and rolling boil. It pops and hisses like so much scrumptious white noise. It is musical almost. That can only be the sound of deep-fried butter logs which means it’s summer time in Iowa! It is time once again for the Iowa State Fair in Des Moines and a rootin’ tootin’ good time buyin’ up votes in a completely innocuous and non-binding straw poll in the beautifully portly town of rotund Ames, Iowa. There is nothing the people of Iowa love more than to slap on a button, shake a hand, and promise to vote for a candidate in an entirely meaningless exercise in showmanship related to nothing more than a gob-stopping festival of stump speeches, cheap tricks, all washed down with domestic beer and mediocre barbecue. The straw poll in Iowa brought us a winner, as all superfluous polls do, and her name is Michelle Bachmann. Now before we go crowning her queen and sacrificing goats on an altar before a marble statue of her likeness, just remember that this win has no bearing on anything except her popularity in a right-wing, evangelical state, in which anyone with her kind of crazy eyes can win. Oh, and did I mention she grew up there? Maybe that played a role, but we’ll see.
Yes, the Ames straw poll has come and gone and now we are left with the results. What can we take from our little stint in Iowa this weekend? Well, besides the need for a really good cardiologist, I think we can see that this GOP race has a few clear front-runners for the nomination. Real quick, hats off to the withdrawal of “candidate” Tim Pawlenty. Not a shocker. The man looks like he should be selling vacuum cleaners door to door in Post-war, suburban America. We owe China a lot of money, and we need a president that looks like he won’t get rolled between classes in the boys’ room and cough it up like a pansy. OK, now that we have bid ado to that, back to Michelle. What a massive win for her campaign. This is the kind of win you can only hope to get in a scenario you darest not dream in a million sleeps. I must say that this gives her great traction in future stops in Iowa and on through to the caucus and eventually the primaries…oh, who am I kidding, it’s fucking Iowa.
No one gives a shit about the straw poll. Rick Perry got over 700 write-in votes and he wasn’t even really present. People are already talking that Romney can crush her for the nomination and that Rick Perry can crush even him. If all indicators are pointing in the right direction, then this is the last thing Michelle Bachmann is gonna win. Seriously, there isn’t even a scratch-it ticket in her future. The straw poll is just a giant popularity contest/barbecue where voters promise to vote for the candidate in the poll if they will pay the $30 entrance fee to get in on the party. That’s it. It is a popularity contest highlighted by celebrity appearances, air-conditioned tents, and other flashy bullshit to just show the patrons a good time. It has no bearing on anything except that Iowans can be bought for $30, and if that is by the pound then by the looks of some of those guys corn-holing butter logs by the pair, these people are the cheapest Americans you can buy per pound. Not like Nebraska folk, they’ve got Omaha steaks, motherfucker.
So Michelle paid off some good, honest, hard-working, God-fearing, Americans that are tired of Washington getting it’s hands in their lives and pocketbooks, who just want to stick by the constitution as the founding fathers would want, and to raise their children with good values and stop passing all this debt on to them, and end this terrible, job-killing Obamacare which is ruining the economy…Wait, what happened? I blacked out there for a second. Did I cover all the talking points? Oh good, I thought I was having a stroke. No wonder she’s got the crazy eyes, if I had to repeat that same bullshit in every speech, every day, for the last 48 days since entering the race I’d probably start to look like I was trying to keep my tongue from leaping out of my head to kill itself.
This was the Iowa straw poll, and it means everything in that it means everything if we change the meaning of everything to nothing. I mean, the only person who could draw 28% of the non-official popularity vote would have to be destined for the White House in 2012 or would have to…I don’t know, ummmmm, be from Iowa? Well, in a crafty political move Michelle Bachmann happens to be from Waterloo, Iowa. Trust me, she won’t let you forget that she’s from Waterloo. She won’t even let the people of Waterloo fucking forget that she’s from Waterloo. Well, her and John Wayne…Gacy. Oops, thought I forgot about that didn’t ya, Bachmann!? Yes, in a shocking turn of events, a right-wing Lutheran wife of a man who can pray the gay out of homosexual deviants with five kids and a hard-on for the constitution in it’s founding fathers form (still not clear if that is founding fathers pre or post abolition) was able to clutch victory from the gaping maw of defeat and take this win back to Waterloo to rub in the face of the small town diner waitress who teased her in high school…that is what she did it for, right?
All this hullaballoo aside, this is simply a moral victory in a battle that featured candidates that didn’t really differ morally. Ron Paul is crazy, he doesn’t count. Ron Paul is like the Bob Dole of the Ross Perot of the Rumpelstiltskin of the GOP race; he is loud, funny, weird, and will do nothing but mess things up and steal votes from a legitimate candidate, no matter the fact that he is just awesome. Pawlenty? About as offensive as a silent fart in an elevator. Romney? Barely tried. Herman Cain? I think he served pizza and only handed out three-fold napkins. Santorum? Alright, ya know what, I’m just getting annoyed that this guy is still around with a name like that. So who was she really facing? Perry was a write-in. He is bypassing the whole thing deciding to worry about getting the votes for the GOP nomination. Another Texan, a major job-creator, and shoulders square enough to measure a contracting job by? I hear the GOP saying “yes, please.”
Bachmann is this year’s Palin, even though Palin still seems to be this year’s Palin. Her damned bus tour got rolling just in time to arrive in Des Moines to see the historic Ferris Wheel which in 1778 road through town for…ah, fuck it, she’s stupid, we get it, I’m tired of making jokes. If Palin jumps in then Bachmann looks like some kind of Wal-Mart knock-off of the Palin-brand K-Mart crazy. Bachmann is just not up to the task of taking on Perry with his billion-dollar buddies on one front, and Palin and her Alaska reality show of a family on the other side. Shit, Perry is like a 20+ term sitting official and Palin’s daughter is more famous than Bachmann is, so it really is no contest. Perry has the clout, experience, and the chiseled jaw line to take the nomination, which is the real prize, unlike the straw poll which is like getting voted most-likely to “go places” in your high school yearbook. Romney can’t win with Romneycare and his being…ya, know…a mormon. Perry is gonna run away with this thing, but that’s just the nomination, the general election is an article for another time.
Bachmann shoots down the argument that she doesn’t have the experience to be President by talking about having been alive fifty-five years. If that is a qualifier then that makes me exactly half as qualified as you to run this country, which even I know isn’t the case. She also explains that raising five children and 23 foster kids is qualification enough and being married for 30+ years is icing on the cake. Being married? Raising children? These are qualifiers for being president? I know people with five kids, but that’s because they are stupid and made the same mistake five times. What’s your excuse? She also totes her tax law education and her years as a tax attorney. She worked for the IRS. I doubt she’ll ever get that specific since leaving it at “tax law” doesn’t bring about the same bristle and zeal as being associated with the only government office that even the fucking DMV looks down on. Her experience is in question and she sites that she and her husband have been running a business successfully for years. What business is that? A mental health facility. Well, technically it’s Bachmann & Associates Christian Counseling Practice…where the Bachmanns deny that any conversion therapy for homosexual behavior goes on…even though it does, according to a former patient and some hidden camera footage. Hell, video evidence is never admissible in court, so you can’t believe that…oh, wait…
So, what has Iowa left us with? Indigestion for one and political nausea for the other. It was all an absolute waste of time and money and has no bearing on the election whatsoever, except that Pawlenty bowed out sooner than he would have and later than he should have. Bachmann gets a win in her own backyard and no one is fucking surprised at that. It was tents, cheap thrills, and even a petting zoo for the kids. Wait, why was there a petting zoo? Are Iowan adults swayed by a petting zoo? Are ponies conservative? I know it’s a big agricultural state, but these people don’t actually think the presence of farm animals is any indicator of a good leader, right? I mean, the ponies aren’t in attendance to show support. They are locked in a corral and get fed sugar cubes and then loaded up and shipped off to the next embarrassing chapter of their spectacle of a life. Seriously, if anything you should be offended that she’s locking up these stupid-looking animals. A pony? It is an evolutionary dead end. In nature that would be weeded out after generation of horses raping them. Well, at least the ponies are getting work, and that’s Bachmann coming through on her promise to create new jobs.
This is all like a soap box derby race. A bunch of hastily assembled and ill-conceived mobile platforms rolling downhill on nothing but momentum driven by people hoping it carries them through to the finish line. Well, it doesn’t. Historically the winner of the straw pole doesn’t make it to the White House. Last time around good ol’ Huckabee was your winner of the straw poll…how did that turn out again? Huckabee was at the straw poll this year, but this time on his guitar getting paid for a couple shows. He’s the only one that came out of top of this thing.
The straw poll feels a lot like Groundhog’s Day. Not that I feel like I am repeating the same horrendously annoying day of my life over and over again for no clearly defined reason (how was there not a gypsy or something that cursed him or some grave he disturbed or something!? Why did Bill Murray keep reliving that day!? Explain it to me!) until I get it right, but that it’s an archaic ritual synonymous with folklore and steeped in tradition whose outcome has no bearing on anything that will happen in the next six weeks. When I picture Iowans as groundhogs, I don’t seem to loathe their fat faces quite as much. Just like that we’ll all forget about the city of Ames, until the next straw poll when they shove their deep-fried mayonnaise cones into my political machine and muss up all the perfectly rusty gears to the tune of three-cents per Hawkeye pound. Fuckin’ Iowans.

The House, of Ill-repute, That Brown Built
Oct 25
Posted by Wes
Zero hour is approaching, leaving Whitman and Brown with no choice but to take off the gloves; they are also throwing low blows, elbows, and head butting in an effort to gain the upper hand. Both camps in the running for Governor of California have deteriorated from ads and speeches outlining what the can do for you to underhanded tactics of what the other candidate is willing to do to you. Whether it is inadvertent name calling, smear ads, or even the occasional cross-dressing bassist, both parties have been savvy in waiting until the summer to paint each other with brushes that should be reserved for undercard cock fight promoters and dog fighters.
Public debates have been held recently, the last of which was mediated by Tom Brokaw Tuesday Oct. 12, and so far the candidates have spent more time defending their respective scandals and gnashing teeth than speaking about serious issues and constructive plans; or at least that is what is grabbing the headlines. Debates have been mired by uncomfortable admissions, defense of past actions (or inactions), and apologies to one another or the California public for “unfortunate” or “inexcusable” choices. One of my favorite things about these debates is watching to grown adults dig at one another with thinly veiled backhanded insults, while rarely looking at each other as if their opponent is not 25 feet from them on a televised debate.
Whitman has probably had more of her own scandal than Brown. Whitman’s first hurdle was the explanation of her complete lack of a voting record coupled with the fact that she was not a registered republican until very recently. She did a very poor job of defending this saying she was too busy, moved around a lot, and remembers voting at one point, though proof of this was not forthcoming. Whitman then had to try and defend her ridiculous amount of personal expenses and contributions to her campaign, now in excess of 140 million dollars (a record for personal campaign donations), leading me to believe she cannot garner the public favor she needs in the form of donations, or she is simply not even trying to appeal to the public. Then there is the bad hyperlink in a twitter message from her campaign on the 18th this month that linked readers to a mildly traumatic youtube video of what appears to be a cross-dressing man playing a bass guitar to some Asian pop song; http://bit.ly/bNCAV, wow Meg, epic fail.
Until after the primaries Brown was almost completely inactive in his campaigning like some meditating monk biding his time. He had little funding, had not officially filed the paperwork to run for Governor and seemed to not even know what was happening while people like Campbell, Poizner, and Newsom came and went. Jerry did have the incident of secretly recording a conversation with a reporter, which a staff member copped to and stepped down in an act of deflection and contrition. Brown spent the early part of the race not doing anything, since he had no real opponent on the democratic side, outside the self-destructive philanderer Gavin Newsom, and just watched as Whitman defiled Poizner every chance she got going in to the Primaries on radio, TV, and junk mail campaigns. He has been totally Ninja in waiting for the right moment to conjure up his arsenal of weapons and overwhelm Whitman in the final months, leaving her well-paid staff to scramble for a shred of ground to stand on.
More recently the bar has been lowered with awful and degrading TV campaign ads with each candidate chopping the legs out from under one another. One accused of raising taxes, the other wanting to destroy the central delta, and another basically accusing Meg of selling out our kids for eliminating capital gains tax for the rich. What more it is not even intelligent rhetoric or BS. All the ads are color coded and designed to leave you with little information but carefully crafted words which out of context mean almost nothing. Ads throw a ton of information at you and even if it may be wildly misleading they are almost all within the legal rights of the candidate despite being inexcusable and unconscionable. Gurus whip up quick and flashy ads with appropriate toning and music accompaniment. Think I am off? Watch any ad on youtube and you will find dark colors, black and white pictures, and foreboding during the accusations, but when it cuts to the ads sponsor the lights come up, everyone is smiling and even fonts may change to show more eloquence and humanity in an ad; like the candidate lives in a warming filter with baskets full of kitties and their opponent eats babies in the night to keep poll numbers high in the rural counties.
Brown’s camp took the morally gray area lead by dropping the bomb of the illegal immigrant that worked for Whitman for nine years; this has rocked her camp, being that she has taken no prisoners with her position on immigration. Enter the charming Gloria Allred, a professional phlyarologist known for salacious and shocking defense of some of pop culture’s most questionable characters. Known for her association with cases like OJ, Michael Jackson, Robert Blake, Scott Peterson, and not to mention the Catholic Church sexual abuse cases; Gloria has made a name for exploiting her pulpit as much as defending the almost indefensible. The moment she stepped up and put her client of television to point her out as an illegal alien with no thought to her possibly getting deported or jailed, Gloria stamped this circus with her seal of “ridiculous.” I am convinced that deep inside Allred is a greasy, portly ambulance chaser from Brooklyn ornately decorated in gold jewelry and an ill-fitting suit with a law degree from a fly-by-night online University, trying to break out; think Danny DeVito in The Rainmaker.
Brown stumbled in to another classless move after the immigrant fiasco in the form of another private conversation caught on tape. After leaving a voicemail for a union representative Brown and his advisors thought the call had ended…it had not, and during a private conversation an as not yet revealed campaign member suggested that Whitman was a “whore” in reference to her willingness to do anything for a union endorsement. Brown was heard saying he was willing to go along with calling her that. (would that make the Governor’s Mansion “The Best Little Whorehouse in Sacramento” if she wins, and her Dolly Parton in this scenario?) If Whitman were a male candidate this would have been laughed off without a second thought, being that she is a “she” he apologized for his comment at the most recent debate which fell on deaf ears. Whitman took the opportunity to skewer Brown saying that it was not about her, it was that the California people deserved better than name calling and slurs. Her campaign issued a statement when the recording was turned over to Whitman’s team by the union rep, saying that the word and context was an affront to not only Whitman but all California women; what this comment had to do with housewives in Temecula I will never know. Despite this egregious, albeit cathartic foible, Brown is somehow leading Whitman in a very recent Rasmussen poll 50% to 44% of likely voters; either “whore” hasn’t retained its hutzpah in our age or all too many of you agree with the sentiment.
I don’t take an issue with this comment and have no problem with the Brown camp calling her a whore in a private conversation. I would not have a problem if Whitman called Brown an asshole or a mean old fucker, privately. Why does this not matter? They are private conversations amongst team members and vilifying the enemy is an act of bonding for a cause. I am sure the candidates think things much worse than what we hear. When I was coming up as a little tike I played little league baseball and we had one opponent that was sponsored by Fuddrucker’s Restaurant. Amongst our pre-pubescent teammates we called them “Ruddfucker’s” as a way to laugh, emasculate them, and bolster our confidence. Am I equating these politicians with 11 year old children or vis-a-versa? No, but it’s a convenient correlation is it not?
Political campaigns all start out the same with civility and never directly addressing one candidate or another, but they quickly degrade in to English duels with one candidate walking up, slapping them with a glove, and challenging them to a match of pistols in the form of late round debates. But what we are seeing here in California, and to a greater extent across America in so many races, is a race that has degraded in to an illegal bare-knuckle fight in an abandoned parking garage, or maybe it’s more of a bum fight in a urine stained Skid Row alley over a porterhouse. From campaign start to finish candidates today seem to be devolving from upright walking homo-sapiens to the level of poo-chucking apes; I would go even further and suggest that if you look hard enough at a mid-term election circa September humanity will discover the long sought “missing link” with a American flag pin in its lapel.
What does this say about us? Well, we love a good show, shocking moments and sub-human behavior; look no further than our fascination with Jersey Shore. In these closing weeks all over the country campaigns are firing off both barrels to sabotage their opponents. Pundits are criticizing and scrutinizing for the good of their party, and Obama is doing all he can to save the party majority…though we are only one band away from relegating this majority to the past tense (and maybe it’s for the best). With Whitman and Brown it is just another race, but this one is for the 8th largest international economy and the most populous state in the union at a pivotal time; you think they would keep the name calling to a minimum given the gravity. Either way you go, with liberal Jerry Brown or the newly minted conservative Whitman, someone is going to have some buyer’s remorse, but as time dwindles down and the candidates get desperate the show is nothing more than a couple of people hamming it up, wild-eyed grins on their sweat soaked faces doing a frantic version of the shuffle in stolen tap shoes.
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