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Romerica 2.0
Author’s Note: This was originally published on Poppycock in February of 2011 as an excerpt of an ongoing work. This is still not finished, but this is the entirety of that original article. This is a piece I will continue to work on. I may change this in to a bit more a narrative, but as it stands it is a look in to the events that could crush this country’s infrastructure. I have always felt that American civility and society is very tenuous and that it would not take much to turn upright citizens in to outright criminals adopting them “us or them” mentality of a dystopian survivalist. We will continue to refine and edit this article, but I felt it might be nice to share a little gem from the past that’s never been seen before. Give it a read and if you like, let me know how off base I am. Cheers.
Or: The only thing we didn’t steal from Rome was…ummmmm, wait I’ll come up with something…
No empire rises in a vacuum and no civilization progresses without the foundation set forth by it’s predecessors. America may be a country, I won’t argue with ya there, but we’re most definitely an empire, too. We have grown as nations, and now tandem, we have both done our share of nation building, empire expansion, and overall oppression/exploitation of people and foreign soil on the way to the top. America as a nation has taken symbols, words, and it’s queues, from maybe one of the greatest empires to achieve the foothold we have now exceeded in the world landscape; the Roman empire.
America has bastardized and prostituted the very concepts that made Rome great, for our own profit and advancement. We took their democracy, seemingly entitled imperialism, protracted warfare on foreign soil, slavery, and prostitution. The parallel between the rise and the eventual fall of the American empire and that of the Romans is staggering. People don’t like to think about our magnanimous nation as an “empire.” The gentry and the benevolent like to think we are a “nation” or a “country” because it tastes better in our mouths than what we truly are. In one breath we embrace our world power status and then turn the other cheek and try to downplay the fact; like an actor who says it’s just an honor to be nominated.
There is a great argument in the historical community as to the actual fall of Rome. Logically one could argue that, since it still exists, it never really fell. The monuments are still there and the city as a whole is quite literally built on top of the remains of the former empire. The city is built on the bones of those that came before them; those that inhabited quite possibly the greatest empire on which the sun ever set. But the end did come, in a very real sense when the German Odoacer took charge of the Western portion of the Roman Empire. Long before that, the Eastern Empire had gone Byzantine with a capital at Constantinople, and once you go with the big B, you never go back.
Some argue that there might have been one single cause to the fall of the empire, but that is so like modern people to try to boil a cause to one single thing. Much like our own civil war, where people think slavery was the reason for the war, it’s roots are not set in the soil of just one red-handed culprit. Rome slowly tripped, stumbled, and then slumped over on the side of the road before it truly fell. The world around the Roman empire, and the lands it took over, complicated it’s governance and as times changed things became harder to corral and keep control over before she finally started to buckle under her very own weight.
It began to show it’s age as Christianity became a commanding and controlling force in the world along with it’s predecessor, Judaism. Islam also rose as a world-wide force to be reckoned with. Though the Roman Empire let most cultures and traditions continue in absorbed regions, they slowly moved people over to more Roman daily living; the religions grew nonetheless with a pertinacious determination. Constantine himself transferred the empire over to Christianity under his rule and is responsible for many churches, not to mention one of the first canonized Bibles. Outside of this was an expansive empire with more people than the emperor could contend with controlling and keeping happy. Taxes became an issue as the swelling debt of the empire began to bloat with protracted battles for control and defense on more fronts than they could financially support. Outside of that was widespread diseases, lead poisoning in water supplies, and food difficulties, not to mention the world-changing and growing outside of the reach of it’s rulers.
The empire grew fast over centuries and then slowly decayed as new dangers, evils, and simple day-to-day difficulties, made it increasingly difficult to control. The mere idea of the empire being divided in to East and West shows that the empire had grown too difficult to control from one location. Remember, as you conquer a land and a people, absorbing them in to the Roman proletariat, there are ideological, geographical, and linguistic barriers to deal with. This was an empire made up of many tongues, and we all know how that went at Babel.
Hmmm, all of this seems to sound familiar. This whole rise and fall of one of the greatest empires in history seems to ring true with me somehow; it’s like I can almost relate to it. Oh that’s right, because it is happening to us! We are right on track to see a fall more violent and abrupt than the Romans could ever have envisioned. Don’t think it’s possible? Look at our wars, our debt, our country divided. Take a gander at the corruption, taxes, protests, and ideological melting pot we live in; shit, it’s a boiling cauldron at this point. Look at the Middle East, a portion of the world we’ve been raping and trying to nation build, i.e. colonize, for some forty years. Take at look at our schools, commerce, racism, decadence, and our complete ineptitude to do anything about it. Do you actually think we are on the crumbling edge looking in to the maw relegating us to the history pages of some English finishing school? The columns are cracking, friend.
America took it’s Manifest Destiny and expanded beyond our rights, doing it by force and dirty tricks calling it all our land, our crop, our animal, and anyone who disagreed could face our front lines at their own risk. This nation was a cesspool of whores, drunks, and psychopaths…then we got civilized. We became a world power, exerting our will through force and threat of poverty or death on anyone that opposed us to win wars, get our hands in so many pies, and begin to control the world without even having to be in any part of the world. We operated as a shadow government with secret wars, hired guns, and coming up with any bullshit excuse to pick a fight for some good ol’ fashioned profiteering and being able to call ourselves patriots.
The American Empire followed every step of the Roman cookbook, and still does. We have the dead and God on money. We invoke the name of our Lord to justify war to the bible belt and Jesus freaks; if it’s good enough for the Alpha and the Omega, then it is good enough for me. We operate in a level of debt that staggers the mind. Literally, a human being can’t count to the number 14 trillion in multiple lifetimes. We are not too big to fail, we are just getting big enough to fail. This nation is fighting multiple wars on many fronts with assets and liabilities in multiple nations with no end in sight; we have been in Afghanistan for a damn decade at this point.
We have all this debt, this spending, and these taxes, yet the infrastructure is failing so epically. We have shit schools, for-profit colleges raping students with tuition-cocks, and we have no universal healthcare while government offices fail every day. The Post Office, Social Security, Welfare, Unemployment, prisons, and on and on; nothing is working well. This whole country is held together by a single concept. Yes, there is the patriotism glasses we wear as we peer through the cracks in the fingers covering our eyes. Yes, there is the happiness that we aren’t “somewhere else,” and America is number one, but that’s not it. The duct tape keeping this country from full-blown revolution coupled with a complete breakdown of every semblance of a civilized nation is a simple one: it’s not that bad. That’s it, just that it’s not that bad.
But you say it could never happen here. Are you that naive? You don’t think that the same fate the felled Rome can’t happen here? Well let’s take a trip in to the possibility machine. What would it take to break down Americans to roving bands of rebel forces and militia groups like something out of Mad Max? I think it wouldn’t take very much. Think about it…all it would take is three bad days…
Day one brings the catalyst; the stock market opens to a massive crash. Within 70 minutes of the first bell, the dollar has become devalued to thirteen cents. This causes a world-wide panic that nearly topples the international markets by days end. Evening paper headlines read: “The Dollar Crashes,” “America in Full Blown Bankruptcy,” The Final Bell Tolls on Wall Street.” CNN is reporting at six PM that an estimated 385 of the Fortune 500 will be closing their doors the next day. Analysts at FOX News begin hypothesizing that the unemployment rate in America will erupt to anywhere from 68-80 percent within the week as companies simply close down. With the dollar in this conditions there is no one to go to for capital to stay afloat. The nation is stunned as tomorrow will most likely be the first day of the last days; Uncle Sam has been brought to his knees inside ten hours. So the chaos begins to ensue.
Obama appeals to the people at 7 pm EST in a national broadcast marking that this was a terrible day in American history, but he urges people to stay calm, and as Americans we can win the future with perseverance and the spirit that made this country great in adversity in the past. Reports indicate that some nearly one and a half million pink slips will be issued the following day in both the private and public sector. Obama further urges people to stay in their homes as he knows that there are reports of violence in the streets. Obama further informs the nation that he will be calling for all schools to be closed the next day as the government agencies have received a larger than normal amount of what they call “marginally credible threats” against the safety of Americans. Obama says it is simply a precaution and that he is working through the might with his cabinet and advisors to address the problem and see to it that all Americans are taken care of in the interim so that power, water, and all public services stay in full working order in the coming days…this only makes people more nervous.
It starts with small pockets of unrest and growing reports of looting in the night, knowing they don’t have a job to go to tomorrow. Why go to work if the money you were to earn is worth two cents on the dollar? Peaceful demonstrations and protests outside public buildings decays in to moderate violence brought on by the outrage. Looting leads the news after the crash; deaths have already been tallied in trying to quell rioters. LA, NY, Chicago, Detroit, San Diego, Seattle, Atlanta, and others break out in to chaos as people ransack every shop and market, every grocery store and car dealership. In just one day the poor to the upper class have taken it upon themselves to prepare for the worst.
On the dawn of day two the fires still roar, but the streets are practically empty in some places as others have fled the cities when the looting slowed before first light. In the night protests and marches were organized by those that had kept their head in the night. The sunrise is obscured by tire fires and massive blazes that still burn from the night before. The firefighters and police are trying to control the violence and madness, but the entire city is alive with fear and rage; there are never enough cops for something no one planned for. With the violence not ending, the country grinding to a halt in commerce and work attendance, the market opens to no gain and hope for bouncing back is lost; the world gave up on the dollar. As a result gas stations are looted, some explode in the commotion and violence around the limited gasoline left in the country. Homes are now being broken in to as stores have basically been picked clean in the highest traffic areas. Bodies are now lying around longer with no one to collect them; 911 is only a recorded message anymore, no getting through, and no one to help if you could.
By that evening grocery stores have been stripped bare and the nationwide damage is in the billions. Flights have been grounded, and Obama has urged police in major cities to declare a state of emergency using the support of the national guard and institute a curfew and martial law over major metropolitan areas. While all of this goes on people have decided to barricade themselves in their homes or to hit the street looking for answers through demonstrations and looking for someone to take their anger out on…DC turns on the White House. Under the pressures of a roaring crowd of people trying to get in to see the President, one nervous National Guardsman accidentally fires his weapon, getting his first and last kill as many armed in the crowd open fire back and before anyone could blink AMericans are killing Americans on the lawn at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave…and this is the end.
It is the night of Day two and martial law covers the entire nation, in cities that still have some semblance of order or power structure. In smaller towns the police and law enforcement have lost all control and gave up. It is anarchy. People violating the curfew are being detained, beaten, and gunfights are breaking out by the thousands all over the country and the firefighting force has broken down; square miles of cities are on fire as skyscrapers in Chicago, NY, and LA begin to crumble from fire damage. The President has been removed from the White House and citizens have ransacked it; it smolders in the glow of the flood lights, black stains and burns spot the previously white exterior.
The National Guardsmen aren’t enough, especially since most went AWOL, so the President has called in the military forces stateside and appealed allies like Canada for help, but they won’t help to control the American people, many of whom are already clogging the closed border to Canada; those not willing to risk death in America have become illegal immigrants in to Mexico in search of relative safety. A transformation in to the very thing they criticized from a Starbucks patio when the hog was so fat….on Monday.
By the morning of day three the military is trying to exert control stateside while soldiers overseas have gotten word of the trouble at home. It has become clear they will not get paid, their families aren’t getting paid whether they live or die, and now they see the very nation they fought for crumbling in on itself…they abandon their posts and go AWOL, doing anything they can to get back home. Pilots take troops home by the hundreds on commandeered planes. Aircraft carriers turn back, some under duress of mutiny, and make for the closest port they can call home on America’s shores. The war in the Middle East ended, but it lasted 48 hours longer than America…our legacy.
What little structure still exists at the federal and local level has turned to attempting to feed and clothe those who may have been looted in the madness. Bread lines and shelters, not too different from those in the depression have set up shop in churches and former Goodwill locations that are still inhabitable. FEMA, one of the few remaining forces had began distributing clean water, clothes, and food on day two, but by day three it is simply volunteers too scared and lost to do anything but help. Same goes for the non-profits, homeless shelter volunteers, and even the police and firefighters that can still stand after pulling 20 hour shifts. What is left in the good of Americans still swells in the hearts of those that went thankless when we had it all such a short time ago.
News hits the airwaves in America, for those still watching, America has been declared an emergency state and qualifies for UN aid and military support. Furthermore the Secretary-General of the UN, Ban Ki-moon has issued a statement supporting the nations need to protect itself, but also informing the world that the President of the United States will face a specially selected board to answer questions as to the cause of the collapse and his actions subduing the unrest in the nation; deadly force and martial law resulting in deaths will be the main focus as determining the possibility of war crime charges being filed against the US government. The Guardian’s morning headline will read, “Obama; War Criminal,” Le Monde will run a photo of Obama with his head in his hands before a speech in front of Parliament begging for help alongside a color coded map of the US showing the levels of unrest and damage with the headline, “America’s Last President.” La Presse, of Montreal, will run “America No More.”
It is over. Cities are littered with bodies and have crumbled. In most places there is no power, water, or safety of any kind. Foreign journalists file reports in the streets of New York and LA like they were in Baghdad. Seas of people protest and try to cry out for help from other nations as cameras are turned on them. It is every man for himself as curfews are getting harder to enforce with so few police and military personnel still holding to their codes and oaths; none of them signed up to kill Americans and they wanted to be with their own families, to defend them. The President no longer has any power to wield over the situation. He makes a statement from the relative safety of England, alongside the Prime Minister, speaking to wanting to fix the nation, a heart breaking few days, and the hope for the future he holds for his country and countrymen. “I will not be the President that let his nation kill itself.” But he already is. Over the now burnt out husk of the White House, the American flag flies upside down.
What? A little dramatic? Rome didn’t fall in a day any more than it was built-in one. Don’t fool yourself, if this country found out on a Wednesday that money was no obsolete, Goldman/Sachs’ offices would be rubble on Thursday morning. This country would fall apart inside a week. No jobs, no savings, an apple that costs $45? It would be animal survival inside the hour.It won’t come from a military coupe, It won’t be a people led revolution. We are to fucking fat and lazy sitting precariously high on the hog to fight for anything. We bitch about taxes, laws, rights, morals, issues, yada-fucking-yada, and yet we keep electing a democrat or republican despite the fact that these people are the damn problem. Oh, it might be a foreign invasion, like the Japanese teaming up with the Japanese to take Hawaii and Alaska before assaulting the Western coast full force. But that would look a lot like Normandy since we would see that coming…it would be epic though, with Canada and England backing us while Mexico flanked us during the fracas.
What I am simply saying is that we, as a nation, will collapse under our own weight. We have lived too far outside our own place and our own means for too long trying to absorb too much in to the collective. The chip is on our shoulders, but soon the shoe will be on the other foot. Our end will not come with a bang or a whimper, but with the sound of letting go of a balloon you didn’t tie off. This nation will deflate violently once the economy falls; the almighty dollar will be our end. No gay agendas, no Sharia law, or terrorist attacks. We will be our own undoing. Just as the Roman Empire, I think the only people who can beat us are ourselves. It would honestly take more than three days, but it would come like a breaking wave on the rocks. Our vanity and egos will topple this great nation as we move bolder and bolder towards the brink, thinking we can push the sky back just another inch. All empires go the way of Icarus, and even the Romans knew that story.
Ten Fucking Years
Red, White, and Blue Blooded
It is the wee hours of September 11th and I can’t help but write something for this decade milestone since a tragedy such as this. There is no speech, no phrase, no profound quote that can capture the collective emotion this country and it’s people feel. There is no great poet or writer that can truly embody and express the waves of anger, heartbreak, or feelings of vulnerability we all felt that day. The state of shock on par with maybe a geopolitical rape victim; catatonic and non-responsive. There is no proper way to be, to act, or to remember. What is one to do on a day like today? Do we observe silence, pour one out for the homies we’ve lost, or do we rage against the dying of the light? Should you be somber about the event, recharged in the fight we still find ourselves in overseas, or should we instead just remember for a moment and continue on as we did yesterday? Is it somewhat disingenuous that the ten year mark should have any more pomp or circumstance surrounding the day than it should on say March 22nd? There is no proper way to be on this day, as there was no uniform or organized way to react or commemorate it on an idle Thursday any other week of the year.
Today, 9/11, there will be many events, speeches, demonstrations, and even protests surrounding the events that befell this nation some ten years ago. People will hold candlelight vigils, there will be moments of silence before every sporting event tomorrow. The Yankees will play harder, the Jets will want to win one that much more for NY, and the Giants will score that first touchdown for those lost ten years ago and those fighting overseas for our freedoms. There will be fighter jet fly-overs, massive American flag will cover baseball diamonds and football fields alike as the National Anthem is sung with that much more vigor. There will be documentaries, celebrities, and politicians recounting their tales of that day. Anyone with a recognizable face will be expressing the emotion surrounding the day. Twitter will trend Never Forget and #Sep11. Facebook will be abuzz with photos, stories, links, and all other forms of media as people bring all those feelings riling back to the surface only to let it fall away in just as quick a button click when their status moves on to the epic awesomeness of the PB&J they are eating.
There is nothing wrong with any of this. There is no right or wrong way to be, but I think it leads to a question in my mind: Will any of this be genuine? I don’t mean on an individual level. I mean on a show of support level surrounding the public events and speeches that will be made. At Ground Zero, will there be even one genuine, heartfelt, and truly uncensored word spoken? Will the politicians and speakers write their own speeches? I doubt it. There has been a poorly lit room full of speech writers crafting each and every word leading up to this day. There are key phrases that you will hear a lot. Tragedy, horrify, shocking, loss of life, cowardly, rise up, never forget, 9/11, and perseverance. Each person at a podium will do their best to encapsulate their experience and tell us what we all felt that day. They will pour out their “hearts” and let us know what we already know, that it fucking sucked.
It is what comes after that terrifies me. The politicization of this event. The next words you will hear are war on terror, staying ever-vigilant, thwarting, safety, freedom, America, never again, never giving up, hope, future, and something to the effect of never letting them win. What will have started as a partially genuine remembrance will end as a call to arms and a stump speech by politicians, the president, and every GOP candidate for president. Sarah Palin will pop up at Ground Zero in her damned tour bus. Everyone with anything to lose in an election year will try to sell you a bill of goods as to their stance: they felt it the most, love this country the most, and think they can keep us safest of all. They will show the most patriotism, and then the pundits will cut down anyone who missed a buzz word or didn’t look sad enough, or angry enough, or didn’t sound patriotic enough. It will be an ugly thing that comes in the wake of pseudo-feigned genuineness.
Is what will happen today genuine at all, what we will see on TV and hear from our heads of state and Washington in general? Not truly. All of the pomp, the circumstance, and the somber tone followed by rebellion through patriotism and hope, will all be a stage show. It will all be for gain in some way. Patriotism for the sake of patriotism is nearly profane; blasphemous. Should we all feel shitty and relive that terrible day? I think not. Should we unfurl a flag and give this day, this ten year mark, more due than the tragedy of that day deserved yesterday? Not at all. Sure, it’s a decade mark, and milestones in tens always gets a little more attention, but it will all be for the sake of remembering. It will sit as vivid in our minds tomorrow as it did yesterday.
Today will be fodder, like any other day, for the mouthpieces of our day. Those in any position at that time, or now, will spout off their love and unwavering vigilance in the face of terrorism. We will never forget, and always remember. I get it, you’re an American, but so am I. It is hard to disconnect that day from what followed, and the lives lost to a fool’s cause in warring against an idea. I can’t, as an adult, help but feel a certain sense of irony in immortalizing an event that was tragic, but has brought so much tragedy since. I heard Skip Bayless on ESPN’s First Take say that it was a real PR nightmare that Roger Goodell missed a great opportunity to organize a league-wide form of 9/11 remembrance by making every player wear a flag, or patriotic colors, or American flag cleats. That it was a prime chance missed to organize something for the NFL; they did it with Breast Cancer, but not 9/11? He saw it as a PR opportunity missed. Is this what this day represents? A chance to merchandise and profit in some way as companies, corporations, and organizations, to force out some sort of patriotic remembrance for the sake of marketing, and to NOT be the group that did nothing. Well, that’s peer-pressure patriotism, and that is nothing I want any part of.
Feel how you wanna feel, do whatever feels right. Shit, there is no code of conduct on this day, or for any event of this magnitude. If there was a script to be followed, then feel free to feel whatever it is that the politicians and famous people tell you to feel. Shit, there is a tightly scheduled itinerary that you can adhere to and then go through the range of emotion on queue before and after the first C-break which will feature Doritos ads, Pepsi ads, and patriotic ads for the new Audi A4. Shit, Pepsi has the patriotic cans going, but they don’t include “God” references to avoid offending anyone. Wow, if there is a litmus test for where we are as a country, this little soda experiment is it. So feel what you wanna feel. If that feeling is nothing, then fucking feel it. Those that cling to tragedy are unhealthy at best. If you lost someone in that event, or know someone that did, then by all means commiserate and support them. But it is ok to not feel much of anything if you are far removed from this event, because dammit, if you want to beat a terrorist, all you gotta do is say “fuck ‘em” and order another beer. It’s the American way, after all. God bless this fuckin’ country, Goddammit.
Skid Row doesn’t need the bulletproof glass; the President does, so get over it!
During the trip by the President through the midwest on a domestic bus tour, there was a little rumbling I heard over the air waves. Well, to be frank it was the rumbling not unlike the bus retrofitted with enough bulletproof glass to repel an RPG attack and enough electronics to commandeer NORAD on-the-fly from a rural road in Illinois. Yes, as the President was on the road for three days touring the midwest shaking hands and buying pies, the GOP and conservative pundits were questioning whether the people should be paying for such a lavish campaign tour. Being that this isn’t a 2012 campaign tour is one thing, but the outrage over the relatively menial cost of the three day trip is what stuck in my craw. They complained on the air on FOX News and other radio stations and channels that the $1.1 million dollar tour bus was too black and too much money. Really? It wasn’t a Black Panther rally and it wasn’t that lavish. You are scoffing at the price of protecting the President? You are balking at what it costs the people to pay, maintain, and protect a President? Well, then read on, as you will be boiling in anger at the numbers that are going to pile up in this article: What does the President really cost us?
My first qualm was with the idea that people had issue with the cost of a tour bus safe enough to protect the President. Do you think they just make those? That is one-off; think Jesse James motorcycle, but with less infidelity. It is a PRESIDENTIAL bus. This isn’t taking your kids to school or dropping Grandma off at the pharmacy. The President of the United States of America needs to be safe from ambush and attack. Do you have any idea what rocket-proof glass costs by the square foot!? All Presidential vehicles are fitted with the thickest, safest glass and sheets of plate steel that can repel everything from small arms fire to RPG’s. A tour bus, straight off the showroom floor, is gonna cost Skid Row at least $500,000, and that doesn’t even include installing the stripper pole. Fuck the pole, the President, realistically, needs the capability to launch nuclear weapons on moments notice from that fucking bus; I hope that button’s not next to the microwave or there is a White House intern that could nuke Moscow for the same trouble he puts into heating a Hot Pocket.
So is $1.1 million of my tax dollars outlandish for a tour bus? Hell no. The President rides around in a fucking bulletproof limo (not a town car, a limo), but I’m supposed to drop a double-take because he upgraded to Billboard Top 40 status? Not a chance. According to some estimates, the cost of operating Air Force One, the Presidential air fortress 747, runs up to almost $300 million dollars a year, flight or no flight. Just to let an airplane sit primed in a hanger 24/7, is costing Americans 13,422 times as much as the federal guideline for a family of four at or below the poverty line of just over $22,000. That’s just the one plane. Not to mention the limo or marine one (helicopter).
Want some more numbers for what the President is entitled to by Congressional decree? Camp David is well-maintained at the cost of $7.9 million dollars per annum. The current President is also entitled to a salary of $400,000 a year. The White House also costs approximately $35,000 a DAY to maintain and run; just the actual building, that is. All told, if you include everything from the Vice Presidential Downtown office, the cleaning crew, the helicopter, Air Force One, employee costs, phone lines, tours daily, and even fucking stamps, the White House and those directly connected to the fucking building in some manner cost us, per year, about $1.5 billion dollars. That is to keep the roof up, the calls answered, and the coffee hot as all get out 24/7, 365. $1.5 billion, and you guys are clamoring to come up with the best joke about the big black bus taking everyone to school in Socialist America? C’mon, I know you guys can do better than that.
Then I got curious. I know that Presidents like George W and Obama make $400,00 base salary, but what else do they get? Well, first off they get $50,000 expense accounts, so I am betting the girls have iPads. They also get a $100,000 tax-free travel expense account. Oddly enough, the President also gets a $19,000 “entertainment” expense account. Entertainment? Almost 20 grand!? What kind of entertainment does that include? Ice cream sundaes for the girls, pedicures for Michelle, and movie nights where George Lucas comes to the White House and does live director’s commentary on a Star Wars flick in the White House Theater like a monkey? You can throw bananas at him, he’s getting paid for this. For that kind of money I know Kennedy had some fun, but what the hell would you do with a near $20,000 dollar entertainment fund? It’s not like it is his personal money he’s spending and is taking a coupon for a free game tokens at Dave & Busters. No, this is a fund of tax payer money set aside simply for entertainment. It is there specifically to make him giggle. I don’t know about you, but at $400,000 dollars a year and hundreds of hours of live, tax-payer funded war footage to watch, he can spend his own Goddamned money to get his jollies off. SHit, the White House HAS a bowling alley, too!
So we’ve got the President, but when the next one comes in, at least we don’t have to think about the cost of the former simply breathing…or do we? Yes, there is the Presidential pensions to contend with. There are four living, former Presidents and each of them gets an annual salary of just shy of $200,000 dollars a year. $200,000 smackaroons goes a long way, even in our tough economic times, and so I got curious, once again. Of the living former Presidents the count goes like this: Jimmy Carter, 6.8 million. George H. Bush, 4.4 million. Bill Clinton, 3.6 million. George W. Bush, 3.6 million. This is what they cost the American tax payer in and out of office in their lives. That is just salary. Of those Presidents; Carter, George H., and Clinton, all have claim to lifetime Secret Service protection. What does this cost us on top of their salary? Given a minimum three-man team earning about $75,000 dollars a year it breaks down as 4.5 million, 4.05 million, and 2.25 million, respectively, to DATE. If they stay alive longer, than it is gonna keep costing you more. After Clinton, all former Presidents are allotted a maximum ten year secret service detail…thank God for government rollbacks.
So what are we saying here? Am I saying that Presidents cost us more per annum than the poverty level income of tens of thousands of Americans? Yes. I am also saying that the cost of protecting the President on a nuclear capable tour bus is little more than a blip of the radar of what they cost us in and out of office in the long run. The White House is a billion dollar house that the founding fathers built, taking office of President is on par with a Megabucks “win for life” scratch-it, and that the expense of protecting the President is a mere pittance of what it costs to employ the 112th Douchebag Congress, all 535 members earning average of $174,000 of YOUR tax paying dollars. Don’t even get me started on that league of assholes. At the cost of over $93 million dollars per annum, these uncompromising assholes have not a leg to stand on to complain about anything but the temperature of their caviar. Do we have a claim to be upset while some go hungry? Indeed, but to criticize the expenditure of a Presidential tour bus codenamed “behemoth” in order to protect the sitting President, I am sure the pundits can find a larger number somewhere other than $1.1 million to gripe about. I found 11 in this article alone.
NITBAFS: Obama, the NBA, and China
Washington D.C.
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Saturday August 20, 2011
NIKE and Obama Falter in Brokering Deal with Chinese Basketball
by Wesley Bauman
In the last week President Obama has been quietly speaking with both the Chinese Premier, Wen Jiabao, and official representatives for the Chinese Basketball Association on the possibilities of brokering a deal for encouraging NBA players to join CBA teams during the NBA lockout which began July 1, 2011 at 12:01am. After the initial raising of the debt ceiling, and with President Obama frustrated that no new revenue streams were discussed seriously, the President contacted the CBA and Premier Jiabao to see “if the use of NBA superstars could benefit the strained financial relationship” between China and the US, said sources close to the situation. After Friday’s announcement by the CBA that players under contract would not be allowed to join domestic Chinese teams, a source inside the White House said that the President was “visibly annoyed.”
According to reports, the President had spoken with the Premier and the CBA to see if the signing of major NBA stars like Kobe Bryant, Chris Paul, or LeBron James, would interest China. It seemed to the President that if new taxes were not a viable possibility and cuts were being made in social programs, then he decided that what resources the US had in abundance were unemployed basketball players. Obama felt that if the “deal was sweet enough,” according to insiders, the President would speak with players to encourage them to play in China.
“This is not slave-trading,” the President was quick to point out. “My job is to help America, and struggling Americans without jobs. I love basketball, and these incredibly talented stars, and if I can help them find work during a heated labor dispute, then I am all for it. I mean, the owners? Really? They are just behaving like knuckleheads.” Obama apparently was doing his best impression of hall of fame basketball star Charles Barkley.
The deal was to be two-fold for the President. In one act he could ease tensions with China, our largest debt-holders at approx. $907 billion; and would drop the unemployment numbers by at least three individuals.
“People don’t have jobs. That is my number one concern as President. If I have to personally find a job for every starting player in the NBA, I will do it. I have honestly given up trying to get anything done with our current Congress. So I am taking my skills to South Beach, to get LeBron James to take his skills to East Asia.” said President Obama on Thursday at a stop on his bus tour in Illinois.
He also drew a clear line between James and the President. “His approval rating is even worse than mine right now.” President Obama laughed. “I mean, people may think I didn’t come through on many of my campaign promises, but he had (Dwayne) Wade and still choked! If anyone needs a couple points in the polls, it’s the two of us.”
President Obama extrapolated his point in an Illinois roadhouse to a room of about 35 truckers and waitresses. “If I can improve the job situation for any American, even the ‘coddled’ über-rich, then I will do what I can. I don’t like to ship jobs overseas, to foreign nations, but it is imperative that we get these struggling athletes, and Americans, back to work. If that job is waxing glass and grabbin’ ‘boards overseas, then I will do what I can to make that happen. If an American can drop a triple-double at will, who am I not to do everything in my power to let him do that? Behind the near extraterrestrial athleticism of LeBron James and the likes of Kobe Bryant, and CP3 of course, then I think America can begin to win the future, and maybe a couple CBA titles along the way.”
Critics of the plan had called it nothing more than pandering to middle-American sports fans and even chastised the plan as big business lobbyists at work. They are referring to the apparently simultaneous urging by NIKE for those athletes who merchandise with the company, that if they are to play overseas then they should do so in China. China has the largest possibility for advertising potency of any foreign market.
After Friday’s announcement by the CBA baring any contractually obligated player from joining the league, Obama took his ball and went home. He did so in his $1.1 million-dollar luxury bus, codenamed “Behemoth.”
John Boehner on Friday evening said that the deal was “nothing more than political horse-trading.” Boehner immediately retracted his statement saying he in no way meant to liken NBA athletes to horses, or black people in general. “I love those guys with their style and the, what is it, swagger!” He then entered an elevator and let out an audible sigh before the doors closed completely.
With this possible deal gone for the administration, Karl Rove on the O’Reilly Factor on FOXNews said, “Well, the President got posterized by China. Totally worked on this one. He wanted to flaunt his skills, and the guy might have a sweet 20-foot J, but he doesn’t get back on D like he should, baby. If he was half as savvy on his economic planning as he is on his crossover during pick-up games at Rucker Park, then we wouldn’t be in this terrible mess. Pres got his ankles broke on that fake-out by the CBA! No question, baby!” Karl Rove made this statement in his best Dicky V voice.
Obama is still trying to find work opportunities for the unemployed NBA players. He is currently trying to negotiate a deal with legendary streetball tour, AND1, to see if they would fund public works projects, shovel-ready jobs, in low income areas in return for short-term contracts with major NBA players. Obama said he would even be willing to cut short his upcoming two-week vacation at Camp David, or make available Secretary of State Hillary Clinton to broker the deal. Reached for comment, Hillary Clinton simply said, “and one what?”
Joe Biden has proposed a different idea. The Vice President met with Mark Cuban, owner of the NBA Champion Dallas Mavericks, Tuesday to possibly start a professional trashcan H.O.R.S.E. league. “Hell, I could be a coach or something. I can bounce a ball off almost anything. What do you think I do all day? Trashcan basketball. Jay Carney is my bitch!” Vice President Biden then dunked a wadded paper ball on this reporter before “shaking it off” as he backed out of the oval office. We were told through a White House press release that the Vice President only uses 100% recycled paper for his trashcan H.O.R.S.E. games in an effort to “green his games.”
It is not yet clear if the White House is taking his proposal seriously, but Biden will be participating in an exhibition office match against White House intern Stephen Milhouse of Sioux Falls, SD. The match will air Sep. 3, on ESPN3.com and ESPN Deportes. Check your local listings.
NOT INTENDED TO BE A FACTUAL STATEMENT
