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The House, of Ill-repute, That Brown Built

Zero hour is approaching, leaving Whitman and Brown with no choice but to take off the gloves; they are also throwing low blows, elbows, and head butting in an effort to gain the upper hand. Both camps in the running for Governor of California have deteriorated from ads and speeches outlining what the can do for you to underhanded tactics of what the other candidate is willing to do to you. Whether it is inadvertent name calling, smear ads, or even the occasional cross-dressing bassist, both parties have been savvy in waiting until the summer to paint each other with brushes that should be reserved for undercard cock fight promoters and dog fighters.

Public debates have been held recently, the last of which was mediated by Tom Brokaw Tuesday Oct. 12, and so far the candidates have spent more time defending their respective scandals and gnashing teeth than speaking about serious issues and constructive plans; or at least that is what is grabbing the headlines. Debates have been mired by uncomfortable admissions, defense of past actions (or inactions), and apologies to one another or the California public for “unfortunate” or “inexcusable” choices. One of my favorite things about these debates is watching to grown adults dig at one another with thinly veiled backhanded insults, while rarely looking at each other as if their opponent is not 25 feet from them on a televised debate.

Whitman has probably had more of her own scandal than Brown. Whitman’s first hurdle was the explanation of her complete lack of a voting record coupled with the fact that she was not a registered republican until very recently. She did a very poor job of defending this saying she was too busy, moved around a lot, and remembers voting at one point, though proof of this was not forthcoming. Whitman then had to try and defend her ridiculous amount of personal expenses and contributions to her campaign, now in excess of 140 million dollars (a record for personal campaign donations), leading me to believe she cannot garner the public favor she needs in the form of donations, or she is simply not even trying to appeal to the public. Then there is the bad hyperlink in a twitter message from her campaign on the 18th this month that linked readers to a mildly traumatic youtube video of what appears to be a cross-dressing man playing a bass guitar to some Asian pop song; http://bit.ly/bNCAV, wow Meg, epic fail.

Until after the primaries Brown was almost completely inactive in his campaigning like some meditating monk biding his time. He had little funding, had not officially filed the paperwork to run for Governor and seemed to not even know what was happening while people like Campbell, Poizner, and Newsom came and went. Jerry did have the incident of secretly recording a conversation with a reporter, which a staff member copped to and stepped down in an act of deflection and contrition. Brown spent the early part of the race not doing anything, since he had no real opponent on the democratic side, outside the self-destructive philanderer Gavin Newsom, and just watched as Whitman defiled Poizner every chance she got going in to the Primaries on radio, TV, and junk mail campaigns. He has been totally Ninja in waiting for the right moment to conjure up his arsenal of weapons and overwhelm Whitman in the final months, leaving her well-paid staff to scramble for a shred of ground to stand on.

More recently the bar has been lowered with awful and degrading TV campaign ads with each candidate chopping the legs out from under one another. One accused of raising taxes, the other wanting to destroy the central delta, and another basically accusing Meg of selling out our kids for eliminating capital gains tax for the rich. What more it is not even intelligent rhetoric or BS. All the ads are color coded and designed to leave you with little information but carefully crafted words which out of context mean almost nothing. Ads throw a ton of information at you and even if it may be wildly misleading they are almost all within the legal rights of the candidate despite being inexcusable and unconscionable. Gurus whip up quick and flashy ads with appropriate toning and music accompaniment. Think I am off? Watch any ad on youtube and you will find dark colors, black and white pictures, and foreboding during the accusations, but when it cuts to the ads sponsor the lights come up, everyone is smiling and even fonts may change to show more eloquence and humanity in an ad; like the candidate lives in a warming filter with baskets full of kitties and their opponent eats babies in the night to keep poll numbers high in the rural counties.

Brown’s camp took the morally gray area lead by dropping the bomb of the illegal immigrant that worked for Whitman for nine years; this has rocked her camp, being that she has taken no prisoners with her position on immigration. Enter the charming Gloria Allred, a professional phlyarologist known for salacious and shocking defense of some of pop culture’s most questionable characters. Known for her association with cases like OJ, Michael Jackson, Robert Blake, Scott Peterson, and not to mention the Catholic Church sexual abuse cases; Gloria has made a name for exploiting her pulpit as much as defending the almost indefensible. The moment she stepped up and put her client of television to point her out as an illegal alien with no thought to her possibly getting deported or jailed, Gloria stamped this circus with her seal of “ridiculous.” I am convinced that deep inside Allred is a greasy, portly ambulance chaser from Brooklyn ornately decorated in gold jewelry and an ill-fitting suit with a law degree from a fly-by-night online University, trying to break out; think Danny DeVito in The Rainmaker.

Brown stumbled in to another classless move after the immigrant fiasco in the form of another private conversation caught on tape. After leaving a voicemail for a union representative Brown and his advisors thought the call had ended…it had not, and during a private conversation an as not yet revealed campaign member suggested that Whitman was a “whore” in reference to her willingness to do anything for a union endorsement. Brown was heard saying he was willing to go along with calling her that. (would that make the Governor’s Mansion “The Best Little Whorehouse in Sacramento” if she wins, and her Dolly Parton in this scenario?) If Whitman were a male candidate this would have been laughed off without a second thought, being that she is a “she” he apologized for his comment at the most recent debate which fell on deaf ears. Whitman took the opportunity to skewer Brown saying that it was not about her, it was that the California people deserved better than name calling and slurs. Her campaign issued a statement when the recording was turned over to Whitman’s team by the union rep, saying that the word and context was an affront to not only Whitman but all California women; what this comment had to do with housewives in Temecula I will never know. Despite this egregious, albeit cathartic foible, Brown is somehow leading Whitman in a very recent Rasmussen poll 50% to 44% of likely voters; either “whore” hasn’t retained its hutzpah in our age or all too many of you agree with the sentiment.

I don’t take an issue with this comment and have no problem with the Brown camp calling her a whore in a private conversation. I would not have a problem if Whitman called Brown an asshole or a mean old fucker, privately. Why does this not matter? They are private conversations amongst team members and vilifying the enemy is an act of bonding for a cause. I am sure the candidates think things much worse than what we hear. When I was coming up as a little tike I played little league baseball and we had one opponent that was sponsored by Fuddrucker’s Restaurant. Amongst our pre-pubescent teammates we called them “Ruddfucker’s” as a way to laugh, emasculate them, and bolster our confidence. Am I equating these politicians with 11 year old children or vis-a-versa? No, but it’s a convenient correlation is it not?

Political campaigns all start out the same with civility and never directly addressing one candidate or another, but they quickly degrade in to English duels with one candidate walking up, slapping them with a glove, and challenging them to a match of pistols in the form of late round debates. But what we are seeing here in California, and to a greater extent across America in so many races, is a race that has degraded in to an illegal bare-knuckle fight in an abandoned parking garage, or maybe it’s more of a bum fight in a urine stained Skid Row alley over a porterhouse. From campaign start to finish candidates today seem to be devolving from upright walking homo-sapiens to the level of poo-chucking apes; I would go even further and suggest that if you look hard enough at a mid-term election circa September humanity will discover the long sought “missing link” with a American flag pin in its lapel.

What does this say about us? Well, we love a good show, shocking moments and sub-human behavior; look no further than our fascination with Jersey Shore. In these closing weeks all over the country campaigns are firing off both barrels to sabotage their opponents. Pundits are criticizing and scrutinizing for the good of their party, and Obama is doing all he can to save the party majority…though we are only one band away from relegating this majority to the past tense (and maybe it’s for the best). With Whitman and Brown it is just another race, but this one is for the 8th largest international economy and the most populous state in the union at a pivotal time; you think they would keep the name calling to a minimum given the gravity. Either way you go, with liberal Jerry Brown or the newly minted conservative Whitman, someone is going to have some buyer’s remorse, but as time dwindles down and the candidates get desperate the show is nothing more than a couple of people hamming it up, wild-eyed grins on their sweat soaked faces doing a frantic version of the shuffle in stolen tap shoes.

The Donkey Will Chew Off its Own Leg to Survive

or: Nancy Pelosi would not come back for you during the zombie apocalypse

I’m sure like me after a few beers with some friends you have entertained the idea of what your plan of action would be in the event of a zombie apocalypse. I know there have been many films and even an extensive library of books on the subject; George Romero has a hard-on for the subject. Thanks to the insight of a friend I know that after securing ammunition and armament I would make for my local CostCo. Large building with massive amounts of food, provisions, and minimal entrances, that could keep a small group safe and well fed for possibly years. But on the way to the facility, under close pursuit, if a group of people fell behind or even a cliche scenario of the twisted ankle, would you go back for them? Would the majority of you risk your own lives to save the few that are seemingly lost to the blood thirsty horde? Could you leave the safety of a fortified position to help your comrades on the slim chance they could survive unscathed?

Well if you are the Democratic Party the answer is a resounding “no.” If the recent actions of the party leadership is any indicator then they would stand idly by protecting their beloved CostCo of a house majority leaving nothing to chance in losing the position they have for the few lives that are too far gone to help. September 4th brought a story about the Democrats deciding to cut off support for those seats that seem too far out of reach for the party to continue the campaign fight. The party has seen the Zombie horde that is the Republican party in this scenario setting itself upon many races with a vigor and outpouring of public support that indicates that the battle is lost this late in the game; the Democrats are now turning their focus to those races that are near assured and those where they feel they can gain enough ground with appropriate funding to keep a slim hold on the house majority they have held through the last two elections.

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi issued a letter to the party members to redirect funding and support for those candidates who need and deserve the help, also urging party members behind on their dues to pay up. She asked everyone to reach in their campaign coffers and support the candidates that have the best shot to win. This basically says to those in trouble and behind in the polls this late in the game, that they need to pull up stakes and help the party majority before they help themselves; throw yourself on the grenade in the foxhole to save the squad, your own safety be damned.

Obama is seconding this motion adding extensive rallies and fundraisers to his schedule in the coming months to throw his weight behind the candidates within striking distance of opponents in key races while trying to pad the funding so that the candidates can take to the airwaves and oust their republican opposition. Right now there are some four dozen candidates running TV adds as of Labor Day, more than ever before at this time, and they are not only on the air but are leaning to the negative spectrum using words like “liar” and painting their opponents as poor choices instead of highlighting their own qualifications.

Some of the gangrenous Democratic candidates that have been amputated from the body politic are Betsy Markey of Colorado (an 11 point dog), Tom Perriello (a whopping 26 point dog in Virginia), and even Earl Pomeroy who is seeking his tenth term but finds himself at a 9 point disadvantage in North Dakota. These candidates have basically been abandoned by the party support they desperately need because to the Democratic leaders it looks like they are already too far gone to be saved. The party feels it would be doing itself a disservice to fight these Waterloos and in the process lose other winnable races, and possibly the majority as a result, by spreading the $218 million budget too thin.

Is this my party? How embarrassed I feel to be painted in a corner with these people who are cannibalizing their own party to survive while the Republicans have only become more galvanized over the years. This is so indicative of the two parties and the solidarity therein. Liberals have always been a scatter-shot kind of group with wide ranging ideals and beliefs as well as a complete lack of focus as a group. Liberals are islands unto themselves with their outlook on the evils of how things are done, rights, morals, finance, international policy, etc. Democrats seem to be good at doing and saying nothing while Conservatives seem to be a sniper rifle of a group, now more than ever. Conservatives are on the same page with gun control, financial issues, social issues, etc. Just as the Democrats are sawing off limbs like a scene out of SAW, the Republican party is tighter and more united than ever; hell, they put out a purity test to prove you were with them, like Reagan would have wanted.

This is clearly a Kafkaesque sign as to the issues that are facing the Democratic party if they want to continue to hold any kind of power, even if they don’t intend to use it for anything. As inaction is our action of choice, the Republicans are prepared to scale the walls of our ivory tower and take our women and rations. The Democratic party is going on the defensive, a role well rehearsed to this point, trying to protect their fleeting hold on the government by running campaigns and toting their strides in healthcare, education, and regulation of Wall Street. I am no Frank Mankiewicz, but I think you might want to avoid the hot button issue of health care which divided this country to the point that the TEA Party was formed and people reverted to primitive, ape-like creatures calling out “death panels” and “killing your grandma” as slogans of opposition.

The Democratic party is clearly aware of the situation they find themselves in. They are well-versed in the details of the national climate and the taste the party in power has left in the mouths of those that swallowed “change” and “hope” like a Kool-Aid that goes best with NIKE sneakers and bunk beds. We are still deep in a recession, mired in healthcare malarkey, unemployment has not improved, cities and states are bankrupt, and the wars…well they are still going on despite Obama calling an end to active combat on one front. I hate to say it, but though he might be miles more eloquent in his speech, the man is one ranch and a bomber jacket away from “W” in the eyes of many Americans. I know I feel a great sadness from the debt of “change” I am owed.

I have said this before but I just feel like politicians are more concerned with their next campaign than they are for the constituency they represent. No one would ever say it, but I am betting in dark, smoke-filled rooms over fine Scotches even the best Democrat could admit that many of their candidates out there are outclassed and it is a matter of tricking the people in to not seeing it. It is going to take wizardry and slight of hand to win a few of these races, and that is exactly what a redirection of funds is going to allow. Sure, the race in Ohio is a toss-up between (D) Mary Jo Kilroy and (R) Steve Stivers, but with the right funding it might not be, if David Blain moonlights as a campaign manager; but the Democrats aren’t willing to take that chance at this juncture.

The race for Governorship is not really part of this debate, but you see the same thing happening here in California. A well qualified Democrat, Jerry Brown, with decades of experience at all levels of leadership in politics is simply being outspent and outclassed by the (R) Meg Whitman machine. She had poured more than $50 million of her own fortune in to buying the most air, radio, and billboard time she can manage. The woman is all over the state grabbing up endorsements while she and (D) Jerry Brown trade poll leads month to month coming down to the wire that is November. This is the eighth largest economy in the world, California, and yet the best candidate may not win. Or maybe the best candidate will, if the “best candidate” is not synonymous with the “right candidate.” At this point in my life I now see that the best candidate is the one that runs the best campaign, not the one who is right for the job. Politics is a game of getting in to office no matter the cost or lack of qualifications a candidate may possess; then once you are there it is a matter of making the right choices and voting along party lines so that you can convince the people to keep you there the next time around.

The Democrats are in the latter portion of the “keeping it” stages of the races. To save the ship they are keying the airlock to engineering and letting good men and women drown in order to save the ship and the rest of the crew. The party is in crisis mode redirecting all power they still wield to point at their “accomplishments” and to misdirect the voter with negative ad campaigns of opposition while skirting the subjects that simultaneously effect and outrage the proletariate. Thomas Jefferson said that “the tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants.” The Democratic party is taking this to heart as they are feeding the tree they are tending with the blood of their own kind. I don’t know if that is a patriotic act or one of a tyrant, sacrificing your own for the good of the body politic and perpetuating the cycle of political impotence and ineptitude, but I would think that great men and women know when they are doing the people an injustice and know full well that it may be better for another to lead for the sake of the greater good.

I am a proud liberal in the most degrading and inflammatory sense of the word. When a Republican uses the term as a slur, they are painting you with the same brush they reserve for me. I am a far left, wild-eyed critic of the world and America as she grows and labors under her own weight. The party I am begrudgingly linked to is showing its true colors now by not creating at least a cloakatively united front. They know that the party’s power gambit is in jeopardy, and instead of asking why or making an effort to change their course, they are simply shoring the levees on good races and leaving the stragglers to be torn apart without even a somber word to their bravery and self sacrifice. The Democrats have tipped their hand; they are willing to leave those most likely lost to their own fate while protecting the greater good of the party. I wonder how Jefferson would interpret this kind of human sacrifice for the good of the machine, but I know that it is not made for the good of the people. The races deemed lost are not those be run by bad people, leaders, or politicians; it is the abandoning of losing races. It is clear that “my” party is not holding in mind who is best to represent me, but who is most likely to win, and if not tyrannical, this is at least contrary to the true idea of representative politics.

Masticate on the madness of the month of mars my masses of misanthropic miscreants

Do you smell that? That is the smell of March Madness in the air. It is that time of year when bets are laid and many start to find out all that they can about the competitors. This is that sacred month where the end is in sight and those involved can see their chances shaping up as they prepare to do battle for that sprint to the finish; ready to roll the dice in a no holds barred competition for that coveted top spot they have been working so hard for the last year. How fitting that this month named for Mars, the God of War, sees the beginning of the end for those that can’t pass muster and the ascension of those whose names shall be recorded in the history books of victory…and there’s a college basketball tournament, too. I of course am talking about the sprint to the 2010 California primary which has seen more action in the first half of March than in the whole of the campaigns so far, from Brown entering the race, Whitman hitting the airwaves on a ‘book tour’, a Republican debate, and even threatening messages received at the Poizner camp, which is ‘just politics’…ahhh, March.

This month really started off with the inevitable bang as Brown announced his official candidacy for governor. Though it was a small affair he did appear on Larry King that same day to further his cause. Brown entering is but a blip on the republican radar being that they are busy destroying each other and putting distance between their pasts and one another. But Brown coming in was a long anticipated move that, though anticlimactic, has him running unopposed in the primary with no opponent to debate, fight, sling mud at, or poke fun at. This situation leaves all eyes on Whitman and Poizner who are making quite a show for the sake of the political process and as such, they have all the headlines and attention right now.

It has been a veritable Whitman-palooza on the talk show and pundit circuit with Meg Whitman, or “eMeg” as she has been named by the newsertainment wizards, doing a little TV tour for her conveniently released new book titled “The Power of Many”. Oddly enough this release comes on the heels of Poizner directed smear commercials and campaign ads which she has had rolling over the air nonstop for months now. They have gotten especially distorted and salacious recently, so the timing of her benevolent new book should draw some attention from her negative ads. She has appeared everywhere from being narrowly escaping a Neil Cavuto verbal groping to sparring with Glenn Beck who made Whitman look downright moderate when matched with his anti-California rhetoric he was spewing. She also appeared on the Today Show with Matt Lauer where she did some very good campaign finance deflection and an extended segment on Morning Joe where she seemed to be fairly pandered with very softball/stump speech questions.

Whitman has done an amazing job in looking and sounding very capable and knowledgeable…in her field of business. There were a couple of little things I caught in her appearances though. Besides the aforementioned dodging of campaign budgets, she also explained a very counterintuitive idea she is toying with to cut costs. As she explains it her experience in business is always about doing more with less, and the first place she would cut overhead to try and balance a state budget is head count, i.e. state staff. The first thing she would do is fire employees to save money and streamline the government. This is of course after she has just highlighted the California is ranked 48th in job friendly states and has the second or third highest unemployment rate in the country. She does go on to explain that she will get people back to work in California…well she is gonna have to because if she gets elected about 40,000 state employees will be losing their jobs by the end of the quarter, but we’ll get you back to work soon.

Her 30 years in business has also taught her that we need to cut welfare time from five to two years and make people work for their welfare in order to cut costs in addition to working with the schools and teachers unions to cut costs in education while trying to get our 48th ranked K-12 education system up to the number one spot. She does all of this pontificating between those very perfectly coined phrases, of course the one she repeats on every single TV appearance in the one her mother taught her, who is in her new book “The Power of Many” on shelves now, that what we can do together we cannot do apart. If that were not vague enough for you I love that she talks of her potential constituents in such broads terms. “I think Californians are scared”, etc. I love that having never met me, or anyone I have ever met, that she knows that I am scared. It is audacious to tell me how I am feeling and then serve up cold-hearted corporate solutions on national TV that you think having some kind of soothing affect. More accurately I am pissed, appalled, and sick, and none of your ideas so far are the Vick’s Vapor Rub to what ails me.

All of this aside her team is masterfully pulling off a well orchestrated show between the seemingly benign and misleading commercials to the well-timed book tour on television, to even threatening messages sent by the Whitman campaign to Poizner’s offices. What, you say? Yes, there were messages to Poizner from a staff member for Whitman threatening him and pleading with him to drop out of the race or they would destroy him and his career. Whitman initially disavowed all knowledge of the threats, but only days later admitted she knew what was happening and the purpose behind the messages. If memory serves me right she not-so-coolly huffed it off as just politics today. Her tone may have been fairly gentile, but the statement drips with audacity, as if threats should be acceptable as part of the political process without so much as a second thought. A little light has shown on the stripes of our fair and gracious leader as much as it has shown on her opposition.

Then finally there was the debate this week. I had hoped for a show stopper, something so shocking and racy that to air it would have needed a pay-per-view subscription. Alas, what did occur was a white gloved verbal duel where both opponents were pulling punches and doing nothing more than throwing together excerpts from their favorite speeches and the policy choices that polled the best. I would have loved to hear about past voting records, cross-party contributions, questions on the ebay-craigslist trials, and some queries as to the validity if those threats. Anything would have been better than the mind numbing hour of cordial talking on a stage that went on. It was so hyped, for months just trying to get one to happen, and what followed was a jaw warbling session that didn’t move anyones support meter either way, therefore it went to Whitman. Much like tie going to the runner in baseball, the claim of victory in debate goes to the most recent poll leader, and that is Whitman in spades.

I can’t put my finger on what makes eMeg such a powerhouse. It might be that she has been flooding the airwaves with her face and message. It might be the simple moniker of former President and CEO of eBay, a steadfast cornerstone of modern americana. What seems to make the most sense in relation to the polls is a combination of her ad campaign budget and Poizner’s apparent weakness. Poizner is no master orator. His speaking voice leaves much to be desired with an accountant’s tone that hints at a slight waver, something I noticed in the debate. One could not say for sure, but I would not scoff at him seeming weak by wearing glasses, some Lasik might do him wonders to seem relatively stronger on TV and in debates, though he would not be able to pull a dramatic David Caruso move to make a point. Whatever it is, Whitman seems to come across to the people as a very competent, and most importantly shrewd, business woman; she hides have fangs well and Poizner’s accomplishments with GPS in cell phones is not glamorous enough to give him any in the eyes of Joe the Plumber.

This has been a very exciting month not only for specific happenings, but the visibility that is coming from the republican party. These candidates are now getting their faces all over the place with any half-cocked idea as to why. Meg “wrote” a book for God’s sake. The circus is putting up the big tent and these performers are pulling out all the stops and all the dirty tricks. Whitman is just smashing Poizner when she can and is getting more attention, but Poizner seems to just be talking it and oddly biding his time, if he is smarter than he looks then that is his plan. If he is as dumb as he looks then he just doesn’t know that he has lost yet and is in there hoping that Whitman might tucker herself out with all her crafty and nasty tricks. Unlikely, seeing as she is a 30 point leader over him in the polls and Poizner sounds like a nerd that should be doing my taxes, not leading my state. The gloves are off and the Republican candidates are striking blows at one another. Mars would be giddy to look down on the month March and see the battle being waged within its weeks; oh one tip though, don’t pick Purdue to get out of the second round, if even that, sleeper tip. Go, March Madness!

Democrats have their CA candidate…Let the Jerry-atrics begin

or: Democrats are doing flips with their official candidate…let the Jerry-nastics begin

I thought it would have been a massive gala event. I was under the impression that this inevitable day would have come with pomp, circumstance, and more than a few balloons. In my mind I saw a podium, campaign signs, and a stage filled with people facing a crowd of hundreds cheering and going on under a downpour of confetti to the tune of some Bruce Springsteen guitar riff. What I got was a three minute and seventeen second video on his website. No applause, no music, and certainly no pomp. Just a simple web video with Jerry Brown in what appeared to be a personal study circa 1975 declaring his official candidacy for Governor in 2010…(insert chosen party favor sound effect here)

For agonizing months upon months we all waited for Jerry to declare. While mud was being slung among the candidates in both parties, Jerry stood silent. While poor voting records, bi-partisan donations, and adultery scandals came to light, Jerry stood silent. In the time both Campbell and Newsom declared and withdrew, Jerry stood silent. And even as Meg Whitman’s poll numbers climbed out of the cellar with millions spent to make any opponent nervous, Jerry stood silent. Like a political Yoda he simply did nothing until it was time for action, and on Tuesday, that time came.

In his anticlimactic declaration video Brown showed an energy and excitement about the issues that face this state. His age has concerned me, as I think it will the voters and become subject of editorials, but I saw a virility and an immediacy in him that was absent of the similarly aged McCain during his campaign. He outlined a few platforms and hit a few major points as would be expected. What I loved in the video, and the Larry King interview the same day, were the thinly veiled digs at his republican opponents. Speaking of buying a candidacy at 150 million for Whitman’s campaign and a “mere ambition” to be governor in Poizner, he showed a readiness to get in there and throw a tight 1-2 punch.

He also spoke of this not being a campaign derived from a “scripted plan cooked up by consultants”, another dig at Whitman, but this kind of rang hollow for me. In the video and the Larry King Live interview I counted “partisanship”, poisonous or otherwise, spoken five times; tied with “focused” for most mentions. He said “knowledge/know-how” four times, and spoke a clear campaign linchpin “insider’s knowledge and an outsider’s mind” once on each stage. I don’t care how gold you want to stay Ponyboy, but these are scripted talking points that he was clearly instructed to mention. He is a career politician, and this cannot be discounted in that he knows what needs to be done to win a campaign and the kind of language that needs to be used to convince fence straddling voters and stir up the natives.

I shuddered at the chilling phrase “politics as usual”, I knew I had heard it before, and with a little research I found archive video of Sarah Palin saying it in her introduction speech in 2008. Now, on it’s own the phrase is innocuous, but depending on the source it’s like a pop can in a paint shaker, could blow up in your face. Jerry Brown was Governor for eight years starting in 1975, he was mayor of Oakland, ran for President, and of course is the state attorney general, don’t talk to me about ending politics as usual. Brown, I hate to say it, but you are the “usual” in that statement. At 71 years old you represent the establishment, the man that the freak power movement railed against. Sure, in 1975 he was the youngest Governor in California, chidingly given the moniker of “Governor Moonbeam”, but if elected this year he would be 72 at the time of taking oath, setting a new record for the oldest Governor in California history. When he mentioned grassroots all I could think of was the fact that a majority if his former voting base is literally in the roots of grass; activating those roots is not going to take political bullshit, but fertilizer. You’ve got root beer on you, Jerry.

Coming out of Brown in one single day, on two stages were the golden oldies of political jargon. Words like “smoke and mirrors” are the classic politico babble that are designed to illicit specific reactions and responses. He can’t help himself from doing it, it’s his life’s work, but I don’t think he should try and sell himself as the sweeping winds of change or the glaring alternative to how things have gone. I do like that he highlighted the fact we tried the untested, inexperienced outsider for almost two terms, which almost made us miss Gray Davis, and makes a point that we don’t need it again (another republican candidate dig), but to think I am obtuse enough to not notice that you are almost three times my age is a little insulting. He will be hanging his hat on experience as a key factor to being elected, obviously, so don’t try and sell yourself as anything but a ‘return’ to a career politician who has been there and done that.

In his video he talks about bi-partisan politics, and getting everyone to the table for something like the budget. In the interview with Larry King on Tuesday he explained that it was his intention to not just have two representatives from each party at a table to make a budget, he wanted every single person in the legislature in the room together to make this budget, day after day, and month after month, until they got it right. I am not much of a societal expert, but I would think that going from five guys in a room to 121 would only complicate the issue further. Imagine trying to placate 120 representatives to balance a state budget hundreds of millions of dollars in the red already in this entrenched, ‘not on my watch’ political atmosphere. I wonder if there is a Holiday Inn conference room we can rent out for the duration, or at least Thunderdome.

Brown went on, wanting to get environmentalists and oil companies together, unions and businesses, democrats and republicans, saying we needed to act as Californians first. While he is at it he might get the KKK and the black panthers at a table together. He’ll get Bobby Rae to put down the lynching rope and douse the flames on his cross long enough to get the two factions to act as “Californians” first. I think this is little more than pie in the sky thinking that is another one of those campaign ploys that will be unrealized. With each of these groups mentioned there are vital, fundamental issues at the core of their ideals that cannot be bridged or pacified. No matter the apparent ease a decision might be able to be made with, if you get these entrenched groups to come together, there will be blood and venom before conciliation or understanding.

I got a bit of a chuckle out of a statement by King that both Poizner and Whitman camps issued statements in reaction to Brown declaring on Tuesday, “this is about the future, not the past.” Indeed. This statement makes me laugh since Whitman runs adds about her past accomplishments as an Ebay executive, and Poizner wants his record in the White House and his position as Insurance Commissioner highlighted. I guess the past they don’t want spoken of is Brown’s arm length service to the state of California. I am sure Whitman would like to avoid her voting record, campaign spending projections, and the fact she just converted to ‘Reaganism’ a few years ago. Poizner would love nothing more than to forget blaming a 2000 recount contribution on his wife, as well as his embellishing of his role in the Bush White House, but he’ll talk about inventing GPS in your cell phone. It is this kind of paradoxical statement that threaten cognitive aneurism if your politico intake is not carefully monitored by a physician.

What Brown does need to focus on is the present, though, since he might have a tough road to hoe, eventually. With a week to go before the campaign declaration deadline, he is running uncontested in the democratic primary. This may sour some voters, given the fact that they don’t get a democratic choice and that Brown probably will do little before June to make himself a public candidate on a trail of any kind. Brown will continue to play savvy and work on the campaign coffer so as to conserve his limited funding shells for the offensive over the summer. Brown has been so good so far, waiting out scandals and ugly politics as well as seeing the departure of two out of four of his opponents, including his only democratic rival, Newsom. (I mean, that guy fell from grace like Wyle E. Coyote through a cartoon trap door) Whether or not he will continue his sideline campaign or get in to the big game contests with opponents will depend on whether his opponents come after him at all; knowing these two so far, chances are good they will attack him on something, bringing the might of nearly 50 years of political acumen to bare on their respective camps.

I had always questioned his willingness to wait, not knowing whether it was senility or savvy that kept him out of the race until March, and the deadline. I think it might have gone on too long though. Even though there is such a long way to go, and still a shell has yet to be fired from his trenches, Brown might want to worry a bit. In a very recent Rasmussen Poll Whitman is apparently locked in a dead heat for voters right now with Brown at 43%; other polls have him ahead by as little as 5%. Compare this too late last year, before he declared and when Newsom was still in, and Brown enjoyed 40-something numbers as more people didn’t know who Whitman was than would vote for her. With the ebay CEO tag and almost pornographic spending on the airwaves she has closed the gap to make her a figure now challenging the game plan of Governor Moonbeam.

Should he be concerned though? I think what is going to happen is a firestorm of controversy and finger pointing in the Republican camp over the next few months, grabbing all the headlines, leaving Brown with no controversy of his own, it’s tough to pick a fight with yourself and get the headlines for juicy claims against an opponent. I fear that his unopposed campaign will have to do little, leaving all the salacious campaigning to those that need to separate themselves early to get the nomination. Brown will not get many primary votes, no one is showing up to vote for a candidate that can’t lose, as a result he will not get that real momentum boost a campaign gets after a win in the primaries. With no ‘win’ he won’t have that fiery speech he would otherwise make about the victory, a big step, and next stop Sacramento, etc. Without the conflict and the initial victory, he will lumber through June instead of gaining steam and punching through to July as a nominated candidate.

This might be a blessing in disguise though as fundraising could make for a tough hill to climb. With only 13 million raised thus far he is going to have to work the appearances and sponsors. Since projections show 150 million being spent by Whitman and some 50 million by Poizner, it might be good he won’t have to expend finite funds on the primaries in June. This will allow him to conserve his rush for the home stretch a few months later when the ear of the public is more tuned in to the candidates and the airwaves as a result. I wouldn’t be surprised if Jerry got himself some heavy hitter help in his campaign on the funds front now that he is officially in the ring, so don’t discount his meager means at the moment.

One thing that did make me wonder was a comment King made about whether Brown wants Obama’s support in his campaign. Brown stumbled a bit and didn’t say no, but wanted to run an ‘independent’ campaign activating the grassroots to garner support. He did correct that he would love Obama’s support, he wants everyone’s support, when King asked whether Brown was distancing himself from the President. This arm length distance might not be a bad idea. Look, Obama doesn’t exactly have the Midas touch right now. Forget the economy, health care, etc., I am talking about little personal projects and vouches. Obama has come back empty handed from pleading with Patterson in New York, got a republican elected in Massachusetts for the first time in like 60 years, and could not get the 2016 Olympics in Chicago, losing to Rio, the most dangerous city in South America; Obama is delivering the antithesis of the ‘Colbert Bump’ so far in office, so you can’t blame Brown for sidestepping the presidential endorsement like a steaming pile on the sidewalk.

So now that he is in, what can will Brown do for you? My mind wanders to some spoof on the UPS Whiteboard commercials. I can see that long haired d-bag in dress casual with his marker speaking like a snake oil salesman on Prozac selling me on the services Jerry can offer. The word “TAXES” with a circle and line through it. I can see the name “Whitman”, shaking his head at it, erasing the “W” to reveal “hitman”. Watch him drawing a see-saw with a fat kid on one end and a tiny kid on the other, but somehow he draws it balanced, “just like the California budget, some say it’s impossible, but not with Brown, 2010.” I know, a visual pun, or play on commercialism, but it fits.

With his hat officially in the ring time will tell what his course of action will be. I have tried to pin him down and have been way off every time out, so I will react to him, not try to divine his future. I suggest a slow and methodical plan up to the primaries gaining campaign money and then making the big push in the home stretch. I would push for debates immediately after the primaries, a series of three over six weeks at least, some time in September/October, maybe earlier. I am so new to this, whatever he does is going to surprise me, but I think we can get a good grasp on his main ideas and know that this feisty sea-dog of the political scene is going to make his best push to end his career on top in California. One thing is for sure, he doesn’t need this gig for glory or to further his career, shit, if he served two terms he would be 80 when he left office, and if experience and wisdom are what we are looking for, by that age he’ll be able to deliver it, from an environmentally friendly pair of “Depends”. Ahh, ending on a poop joke, indeed.

The Campbell down, The Poizner benevolent, The Whitman silent, and the Brown meditates

Darwin’s greatest theories are of evolution and the survival of the fittest. Basically, from my limited understanding of one of the most paraphrased and least truly understood theories in modern science, and one that give agnostics and atheists a big soft one in the fight against the religious right, that the millions of years of evolution and natural selection has bred away the weakest of our genes and traits to leave us with the cream of the crop; the thinning of the herd as it were. In nature this shows itself in those animals that can’t pull their weight or defend themselves getting picked off by disease, hunger, or the occasional predator. Man has interrupted the selection process with medicine, science, and does its best to counter this theory and let everyone, no matter how incapable by nature’s standards, live a life. In politics the theory of natural selection is alive and well and akin to an injured gazelle, an incapable candidate is weeded out not by disease, hunger, or a predator; they are picked apart by public poll numbers, lackluster fundraising coffers, and the alpha males dominating their hunting grounds. So is the story of Tom Campbell.

Much as I had foreseen a while back, Campbell had struggled to raise the funds and the name recognition he needed to compete with the likes of Whitman and Poizner in the 2010 Gubernatorial election here in California. He struggled raising money and getting his name out there against the mountains of cash his competitors were raising, and spending out of their own pockets. Though Campbell was running a distant second to Whitman and had a big lead over poizner in the most recent polls last month, he seemed to be third in the headlines week to week. Tom Campbell wasn’t a flashy guy in what has become a flashy race to Sacramento that is going to cost at least $100 million dollars in total campaign spending by the remaining three candidates, which is conservative. The road to Sac Town is paved with bitch, benjamins, and moet…not the kind of guy Campbell is.

As Poizner said in a statement on Thursday in regard to Tom leaving the race, “I may not have agreed with all of Tom’s proposals, but I admire his attention to policy and his willingness to present detailed specifics.” Poizner is absolutely right is his not so veiled back-handed slap to the face of Campbell, Campbell run a very specific and precise campaign with very detailed plans on how to solve the problems of the state. Campbell was by far the most qualified individual in the GOP race, so in this respect Poizner is all too happy to see him go, being that the “10-10-10 plan” is the best, and worst, Poizner has to offer at the moment with no specifics as to how to get there, just a clever idea. Campbell presented the most dangerous candidate as things were to get down to the wire, but it turned out he was the Joe Lieberman of the Governor’s race…not enough charm to fill a paper bag.

But don’t worry about old Tom Campbell, he will be fine fighting a much “easier” race for the U.S. Senate seat to dethrone the omnipresent Barbara Boxer against the likes Chuck DeVore, an ex-aerospace executive, and Carly Fiorina, ex-HP CEO and McCain Campaign Advisor. It is clear that Campbell will be much more capable in this new competition. Tom was looking to find a place where he could effect the most change, according to his video statement, and the Senate was where he could do the most good. I take this statement the same as I take all the quotes I get from politicians, with a spoon full of sugar, and a shot penicillin; it’s hard to get down, and it’s probably going to make me sick. Campbell himself admits that he could not compete with the financial powerhouses in the race for Governor, which is just about the ONLY reason for the change if we’re not blowing smoke here, but I have all the confidence in Campbell though, in his race for Senate, since the move to this dogfight will not be the same uphill battle that running for Governor was. I mean, when he was running for Governor he was competing with the man that basically invented cell phone GPS and the woman who basically built Ebay. Now it is such an easy fight against the GOP candidates in the Senate race; he only needs to beat the woman that basically built Hewlette-Packard and a rocket scientist…oh, oh no. I have a sneaking suspicion he’s gonna miss the frying pan.

Well what does this great Darwin moment leave us in the race for Governor? Well, the big three I felt would be standing, despite speaking well of two horses that have now been put down Barbero after such a valiant fight (too soon?). I liked Newsome, but he was too progressive. I like Campbell, despite him being Republican, but he was too “Huckabee”, so now it is between Whitman, Poizner, and Brown, to find the odd bedfellow that is just right; but ‘just right’ I mean the one that is going to spend honest to god truckloads of cash to subliminally burn their vague platforms and policies in to our cerebral cortex without truly knowing what this state is like for 90% of us. Yes, From here on out we have only three options for the Governorship and they are all about as shaky as Grandma after 70.

What has this race deteriorated in to? I am blown away by the spending on either side of the aisle right now, with the GOP far in the lead. I am so glad Poizner is getting in their to duke it out with Whitman with $15 million of his own dollars finally, which I think is going to result in some very interesting ads and signage as he moves forward. Really, the only thing that is going to get attention in this race, or any election for that matter, is scandal, and if you hope to play ball with a woman basically putting her campaign on her VISA card, you had better bring the dough to buy the biggest mud slinging machine money can buy. I can only hope for the best mud amongst the GOP, they do it so well and so blatantly while I think Democrats are not nearly as good at truly slamming their opponent, since they almost veil their commentray while GOP candidates will do everything including accusing Democrats of literally coming to your house and executing that shaky Mi-Ma of yours…in front of a bus full of uninsured children.

This race is a scary one for me though. My beloved, lone wolf, Brown, has yet to officially announce, as I say every time I write these. I did some research and I found out that he can wait up until March 17th to file officially…so we could be around for a while waiting for the old bastard to do whatever the hell he thinks he is doing. Either this old bag is utterly senile, or he might just be Yoda incarnate. The man has single handedly spent about nothing, relatively, while enjoying great poll numbers, two opponents entering and leaving the race, and his remaining opponents are burning through money like it’s a post-apocalyptic world where money has no value but as a heat source. Watching Brown wait on the sideline is like trying to figure out what a monk is doing just sitting their meditating…Fucking move man, how can you just sit there so long!? Indeed.

What this race is going to lack is drama, I think. See, what this country salivates over more than celebrity romance and the McRib, is political drama, real or sensationalized, it doesn’t matter…I think we actually prefer the fake stuff, like Kool-Aid. This country loves intrigue, drama, and tension, especially in California, I mean this is where we literally make shit up, Hollywood, so you know we like our salacious slander and libel. The problem here is that the herd we have thinned out was never big enough from the start. Losing two of ten is not a big deal, but losing two of five is just fucking tragic. We are no longer in possession of enough candidates to get a real ‘firestorm’, ‘war of words’, or even a decent ‘donnybrook’. All we got here is a manage e trois when what we need for the headlines and the publics undivided attention is a 70’s style orgy. I mean this race could really use the political versions of hot pants, polyester, and all natural bush; I have no idea what those equivalents are in politics, but I think you get the point. This race can’t get the people on their heels if the best we got is the rumor that Brown banged Linda Ronstadt in the back of a Buick.

Well things have come along and we’ve lost one more man, this time to the seemingly more treacherous fight against the Boxer. These days candidates are toting their fundraising efforts and making more appearances as well as gathering endorsements and fine-tuning their platforms for the different groups they plan on pandering to. As Poizner puts his new money to work and Whitman keeps up her hammer-jack assault on the voters, Brown will inevitably stand still and silent as the great meditating State Att. Gen. Many will come from far and wide to sit idly on the sidelines upon his mount and watch as the others in the race scamper about. The Brown is very wise, the story of his years are told in every wrinkle, and their is a lesson there for those willing to learn it. He will strike when the time is right, like the great Bengal Tiger. The Brown knows that striking too early would be premature and pouncing too late will leave his stomach just as empty. No, patient is the Brown, and trusting the followers be…besides he’s only got until March Goddammit, then the fucking cat has GOT to get loose, so count your days Gazelles, they’re numbered.

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