Monthly Archives: February 2012
I earned this pilot license, dammit
Five Things you never want to hear from the Captain on the plane
“Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain. Chicago is asking us to divert due to some ice on the runway. Uuuuhhhh, I say we land anyway. Diverting’s for pussies.”
“Just extending an invite to you good people. My copilot and I are having a flight after-party at the Hampton Inn at the airport. BYOB. No dudes. No fat chicks.”
“Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. We’re expecting a little rough weather today on our trip to O’hare. Also, I just want to reassure everyone that I am holding it together just fine even though the gentleman in seat 22A looks just like the guy that killed my wife last year. You son of a bitch.”
“Well, folks. I have turned the fasten seat belts sign back on. Apparently my copilot doesn’t think I can do a barrel roll in a 737…I’m not one to back down. Buckle up, folks. Bill, get ready to lose 20 bucks.”
“Pardon this interruption, folks. This is your captain speaking. I was wrong. The man in seat 32C is not crazy. There is in fact something on the wing, but don’t be alarmed. I’m sure he’s harmless. Just look to your left and give the little guy a wave to show you mean him no harm, but don’t make eye contact. He hates that.”
Like this:
Bronson: A Suggestion
Bronson (2008) chronicles the life and times of Michael Peterson: The UK’s most violent prisoner. His new name, Charlie Bronson came from his short stint of freedom when he worked as an unlicensed boxer. He needed a new and appropriate fighting name. Charlie Bronson was chosen for his gritty performance from Death Wish, which seemed to fit Peterson to a T.
Michael Peterson was first incarcerated for a series of armed robberies, namely that of a Post Office. No one was hurt, no bullets were fired, and no one was killed. For this crime he got an initial sentence of seven years.
Peterson is a shockingly violent prisoner and an all-around fascinating human being. In the book Bronson, the Robin Ackroyd wrote:
Charlie is a lost soul, a man from a different age. Ten thousand years ago he would have been the strongest man in the jungle; two thousand years ago, in Roman times, he would have been the unbeaten gladiator; two hundred years ago he would have been a circus strong man.
I suppose this is a very appropriate description of this man. To most he would appear to be a manic psychopath with self-destructive patterns who could give nothing back to society.
The film seems to show this side of the man. It shows through brilliant cinematography and utterly appropriate scene design and cut scenes that Charlie sought out trouble and wants nothing but to fight. I think it is further from the truth than the fact that the man just can’t control himself.
As the film explains, as Charlie (played brilliantly by Tom Hardy) himself explains in make-up and three-piece suit on a stage to a crowd of the faceless wealthy, he has been in prison since 1974. As of filming, it totaled some 34 years…30 of it in solitary. 23-hour lockdown in the maximum security that the UK has to offer. Maximum security, 23-hour lockdown…for robbery. 34 years…for armed robbery. OK, I admit that he is still in prison for his misbehaving. He holds the records for roofing prisons, for hostage-taking standoffs, and I believe he also holds the record for most consecutive years served in solitary.
Charlie Bronson has never killed a person. Never, not a soul. He has never raped. He’s no pedophile. No serial killer. Never stabbed, cut, or maimed with anything but his bare fists. 34+ years for fighting? Hey, I and the film leave the morality up to you.
The movie is beautifully made. It is visceral, striking, bloody, and Tom Hardy embodies Charlie both physically to an almost eerie similarity. It is uncanny. Having read Charlie’s writing and seen the film that brings to life his words and mannerisms, Tom recreates a real person in a performance that is rivaled only by Johnny Depp from Fear and Loathing in his role as Raoul Duke.
It is not for the squeamish, but if you’ve got the stomach for a stellar film with a stellar lead, genius cinematography, and a perfectly executed screenplay and script, then I suggest this film.
Take this knowledge with you as you watch. Housed with the worst filth represented rapist, wife beaters, serial killers, pedophiles, sits Charlie Bronson who has done nothing but armed robbery for one week and then fought as often as he could muster after that. Never killed a soul. He continues to serve a sentence in solitary confinement that is about to top 40 years. Bronson is now nearly sixty, and could still kick your ass. He holds a record for most push-ups in one hour. He lifts weights and challenges world records to raise money…for programs outside the prison walls that support youth. Orphanages have received money on his behalf from the sales of his books and the stellar shape he keeps himself in. He may not have been meant for this time, but Charlie will tell you that he is the ultimate survivor, and he survives still in conditions that would break nearly all others. Check out Bronson streaming on Netflix.
Trainspotting: a suggestion
Talk about a weird ass film. Trainspotting is the story of a drug addict in Edinburgh trying to get out of the scene but constantly being pulled back in through a series of event. Heroin, the drug of choice, rules everyone’s lives. This is both a horrifying, tragic film while it is cartoonishly hilarious and represents that filmmaking style that inspired the likes of Guy Ritchie (Snatch), David Fincher (Fight Club), or even Darren Aronofsky (Requiem for a Dream).
Ewan McGregor plays Renton. Along with Spud, Sick Boy, Tommy, and Begbie, make up the main host of characters for this film. From squatting in a practically condemned apartment to cleaning up only to relapse, to selling drugs to some heavy characters, there is nothing this group doesn’t do. They are manic, crazy, dangerous, twisted individuals who seem to want more than the drug life, but simultaneously celebrate it as they wallow in the world they inhabit.
The cinematography is the thing that gets me. The scene of crawling in to the toilet. I loved the scene where Renton lowers into the floor, pulling the rug with him. The freeze-frame style intros, the narration–though sometimes thought to be a cheap story device–works perfectly with Renton and fits the film style in what we see.
A lot of people may have heard of Trainspotting, especially since Ewan McGregor became a star, but not that many people saw it back in the day; it only made 16 million in theaters. I never saw it then, I was 12, but as soon as I was old enough, I rented it. I recently watched it probably three times last year and will see it again. I like to think that this is a cult classic. There is a heavy fan base, but it is not all comedy. This is heroin and that isn’t pretty. Things get darker, tougher, stranger, and you really care for many of the people you meet. You hope the best, are shocked, and hurt when disaster befalls characters.
I can’t suggest this film enough if you’ve got the stomach for this type of film. It will change your mood after watching it. So be ready. If you’ve got the taste for this kind of movie, then it’s a can’t miss classic that you can see influenced films to come, like Fight Club, Requiem, Snatch, and many more. This film represented the late 90′s well, and it still holds strong some 16 years later.
Look at This F-ing Guy #59
Who bites the hand that feeds
Below is a series of tweets in response to a press request sent by my editor only a few days ago. The press request was a standard request for a pre-show interview and passes to shoot the show for a review, or so I thought. We got the interview, but apparently the request for press passes is some kind of “angle.” I’m getting ahead of myself though.
The artist did not call myself, Poppycock, or DisarrayMagazine out by name; hence, why I’m not calling this person out. Whether cowardly or respectful to not put our publication on blast, I will return the favor. I own everything this artist has ever made, and because I liked him so much, I have also become a fan of the label, buying almost everything by everyone on the label, and getting my t-shirt quota filled at his storefront. What I’m saying is: I’m a FAN.
I'm no better at this than THIS guy? P.S. You see my logo here? Nope.
We give u a press pass so u can put ur logo on pics of us & upload parts of our show to YT? What a deal! Our fans’ll take care of that, thnx
Then why even do the interview? You want the coverage, but only on your terms. You seem to think that the skills of your fans are on par with those of a trained photographer and semi-seasoned writer? Okay, I’m not Noam Chomsky over here, but I like to think that I can compose an article more articulately than, “Show wuz off the shizzle! Fuckin’ rocked it, bro! Love your shit!” Also, I am pretty sure I can out shoot a 14-year old kid with an iPhone, given half a chance.
I don’t slap a logo on my photos. Period. I know this is SOP for a publication, but the writer/photographer doesn’t decide whether a logo gets slapped on anything. For me, it has always distracted from a photo, but I just work here, bro. Then again, don’t you slap your name on everything under the sun to promote yourself? So, what? Are websites not allowed to promote themselves in a similar manner? It’s not the same thing, but it’s close. I’m just saying that I’m better at what I do than the average fan, and we need fans at our site, too, so at least reserve judgement until you see the care I bring to my work.
In the days of ‘zines, show reviews held value because they’re the only way you’d know how a show went unless someone you knew attended.
“In the days of ‘zines”? Correct me if I’m wrong, but it is still the days of magazines, sir. Have you heard anyone ask, “Whatever happened to magazines? I miss those.” They are everywhere, and they aren’t all terrible publications.
Not to toot my horn, but I freelance for a website which averages 30,000 hits a month. I am beginning to develop a tidy sum of hits on this blog, too. They seek us out to discover new things and read our articles. No one goes to Jimmy Joe from Topeka for their cultural queues. I have a platform. How many people can Joe Blow reach on FB? Maybe 300 friends? Well, most of them probably won’t read his show review “note,” so let’s say about 100 people. If you do a show in LA for 300 people, then they will reach a potential audience of 30,000…Hmmmm. This leads us to the next tweet…
These days, when websites & writers ask for “press passes” to review a show, I can’t see the benefit. Oh…post-show promo? Cool angle, bro.
…”I can’t see the benefit”? 30,000 hits? I am worth the tweets, YT posts, and FB photo albums of one packed venue. Me. One guy. That’s my “angle.” I am doing this as a writer who will reach people. You know, new fans, the thing everyone wants as much as Jimmy Fallon seems to think they like extra cash back, but if you don’t want the coverage I will happily relax at home with my girlfriend instead of agonizing over my thesaurus at 3AM to do justice to your show.
Hey, I get it. You’re big time. You’ve been all over the world and done shows on every continent but Antarctica. You have almost 30,000 Twitter followers. You are established like the monolith among the monkeys; Stanley Kubrick is directing your shit, but you gotta snap at the hand looking to feed you? Call me crazy, but despite the fact that you’re a juggernaut of self-promotion, I am betting you’re not exactly beating the ‘zines off with a stick.
You can have your fans do your work. They will even pay for the privilege, but I’m not charging you either. I am a fan that can “take care of that,” asking only for the free entry and press pass to do it better than anyone else in that room. You might like the taste of blood, but slow down Gandhi, you’re killin’ ‘em.
As of publishing this, I have deleted these retweets from @myownfalseidol to protect the identity of this rapper, but mostly to protect me from being drawn and quartered on FB or Twitter. Frankly, he and his fanbase scares me. Seriously.
You and Me, Baby, Ain’t Nothin’ But Mammals
Five Things that will always kill “the mood”
“Shhhhh. My mom has to get up at 6 tomorrow.”
“Bite marks? What? No. I have no idea where those came from.”
“Did you like that move? My sister taught me that.”
“Before we do this, the state now requires me to inform you…”
“You wouldn’t be willing to part with a lock of your hair would you?”
