Look at This F-ing Guy #33

Who smokes e-cigarettes

So you want to quit smoking? Awesome. Good on ya, friend. You going cold turkey like a man or pussing out and using the patch or chewing that awful gum? What? I’m sorry, did you say “e-cigs?” Oh, you’re going the douchebag route? Fair enough.

There is nothing tougher than breaking a habit that your body has physically become dependent on. It’s not like biting your nails or cracking your knuckles. This is a fucking addiction that has changed the bio-chemical balance in your brain and your body. This is a chemical dependency that makes your co-dependency on your abusive girlfriend look like a fucking summer trist. Your body physically NEEDS tobacco and all the glorious carcinogens that come along with those packs of death sticks.

You have decided to go the least successful and most douchebag apparent avenue by smoking your electronic cigarettes. You look like an idiot with your disposable “cigarette” thinking you’re so fuckin’ cool because you figured out a way to “smoke” in a bar. That’s not a cigarette, you’re not even close to “smoking,” and you look like a fucking tool. You understand that you are smoking a fake cigarette, right? You have wrapped your mind around the fact that you are “smoking” a piece of plastic with absolute shit in it? In some e-cigs you will find a fine product called Propylene Gycol, which can give you a similar high to tobacco, but it is best known for it’s award-winning performance in anti-freeze. Yes, THAT anti-freeze. In small doses this immunotoxicant/nervetoxicant can be otherwise harmless while some claim that in large doses it may cause “central nervous system depression.” I am betting we’re not talking Seasonal Affective Disorder kind of depression; it’s not like your nervous system won’t want to get out of bed in the morning.

Well, at least you’ve gotten off of the nicotine and other chemicals and are focusing your efforts of quitting with just the one toxin that will turn you in to a quivering mass of mute, slobbering hysteria. Thanks, but I’ll take the chance of cancer in fifty years, thank you. It’s not like you’re still feeding in to the physical and psychological addiction or repetitive addiction. As far as your brain is concerned you still grab a smoke when it is slow, when you are stressed, while waiting for the bus…you’re still getting a choke in, as far as your psyche is concerned. You can’t fool that bastard with some 21st century stop-gap no matter what you tell yourself.

E-cigs, besides looking absolutely ridiculous when smoked within the view of anyone with a sense of humor, are like trying to have your cake and eat it, too. You can’t smoke but not smoke. If this were so, then a hole would rip open in the fabric of time and space when you “lit” one up. The idea of simultaneously doing something and not doing something is at odds with Stephen Hawkin’s principles of dimensional physics. So, no, it’s not possible. You’re trying to trick yourself in to the idea that you’re trying to quit while now feeding in to a new vice that will be a crutch for a while on down the ladder to patches and gums. You’re just adding a new rung to the ladder.

My buddy told me that he had considered it as an option on his way to quitting. His reasoning for quitting was that he didn’t want to feel bad about himself 5-10 times a day after he smoked. So instead of smoking tobacco, something humanity has been smoking for centuries, he looked in to the 21st century, convoluted version of something that already works. Well, if you feel bad for smoking then just fucking stop. There is no reasoning your way into thinking that some analog stand-in for the real thing is going to cut it. Same thing with those recently turned vegetarians that order Boca burgers. No matter how hard you wish or close your eyes while you eat, that fuckin’ prop food you’re ingesting will never be as good as the heart-clogging dead flesh of an animal too stupid to defend itself; mmmmmmm, industrialized murder tastes so much better than soy.

I liken the e-cig alternative to porn. If you feel bad after jerking off to xxx-porn, but want to keep jerking off, then maybe the Victoria Secret catalog is more your pace. Hardcore anal, or air-bushed nip slips on page 79, you’re feeding the same need either way. So I say commit to the coitus or don’t, but just don’t douche it up in half-measures to feel better about yourself when you’re adding up the tissues pile, or the cigarette butts in the ashtray. You’re not doing anyone any favors and you’ll be back to DP video clips as fast as you’re back to a half-a-pack-a-day habit.

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